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This is the accidentally intentional podcast. I'm your host, Joe. I hate small talk, and I'm ready to have meaningful conversations that build us. Let's go. Hey, what is up guys, and welcome back to another accidentally intentional podcast episode, I want to apologize as I have not been able to be consistent recently with new podcast releases. And there's been a lot of new changes that have happened in my life. Most recently, I'm now in engaged a woman. But I will share more about that in a future episode. But you know, as I've been having conversations with so many people over the past couple months, I want to introduce a new type of conversation to the accidentally intentional podcast, and one that deals with tricky scenarios in which we find ourselves in and life. And I'll speak to my experience, personally, how I've navigated, and hopefully, it is some encouragement to you as well, because I want this to be a conversation for all of us. Because as you know, the goal of this podcast is to help us all continue to build relational wealth, which I believe is going to be the most important currency as we move into the future. Now, I will continue to say this before each type of these episodes, I fully understand that things are not black and white, that there are so many nuances and layers. And so I'm never going to speak blanketly about certain subjects, but rather from my own experience, and certain angles, which I have observed. So as we move through certain conversations, let's give grace for one another. And hopefully by hearing about someone else's experience, it can help create a springboard for you to navigate a similar scenario in which you may find yourself in so the topic I want to cover today, I'm titling as the following help. I feel like my friendships are growing apart. I don't know why. What do I do. Now, I often hear the phrase, seasons of friendship thrown around. But if you are the person who feels like your friendships are moving away from you, and growing apart, it's a very unsettled feeling to have. And so today, I want to attempt to dive into what I believe could be a part of what's going on in this situation, because I have found myself here many times before, and I have found a commonality through all of it. And sometimes hearing Oh, well, that's just the season of friendship doesn't make you any less unsettled. And I want to dive into this topic. And start from the angle of feeling like all of your friendships are growing apart or breaking down or, or crumbling, maybe this is already hitting for you. Because you're like, I'm finding myself in this exact position right now. Yes, friendships ebb and flow. We know that. But sometimes it doesn't really feel like a natural thing at all, when it's happening to you, what I've seen is that, let's say high school and college, for example, right? It's a unique scenario, because friendships are handed to you in a way that they never will be, again, once you leave college, you are thrust into a group, where friendships are mostly based on proximity, similar age, common interests, etc. So basically, in that environment of high school and college, they're like, Alright, you got a few things in common. Go get them. Best of luck to ya. Right, and we learn how to figure it out, then. But upon exiting College, we have another beast to deal with entirely, because it's in these moments that we start establishing who we are, what values define us. And of course, because of that, we typically start gravitating or trying to find people with those similar values in life. So that being said, shared values are oftentimes the indicator of what would bring a friendship together. Even if nothing else really seems like a commonality, if there's some type of shared value, then there's a good chance that a friendship will arise from it. And so that's why, as adults we can look at to people and say, How the heck are you friends? You guys have nothing in common? Well, there is probably some type of shared value, at least at the core to some degree that's holding the friendship together. And so the common through line that I've found in my own life, is whenever it starts to feel like there is a sort of friction happening. In a friendship, it starts to feel like people are kind of separating, pulling apart. There's usually a common theme, and that is the fact that one person in the friendship is is choosing growth. What am I talking about? It means that someone is choosing to grow emotionally, personally, professionally, spiritually, etc. And the other person in that friendship may not be walking in that same direction. So it starts to feel like the value system is changing, because the connection, or the foundation that once made a friendship is now shifting for one person, and causing tension and friction for the other. And I'm telling you this because I want to use myself as an example, I used to be so offended, I would literally get offended at everything. It felt as if the whole world was out to get me honestly, I remember thinking that at one point in my life, I was like, Why does everybody hate me? Why is the world out to get me I cannot mop ah, I just I literally had that mindset. And that's how I would live. It was almost as if every conversation I would have with another human being would start with the tone of can you believe this happened to me? Or can you believe accept this. And here's what was really happening. I was a complete energy vampire, I was sucking the life out of everybody around me. Now I use the term relational wealth. And so when I talk about it, I'm sometimes going to use financial principles to coincide with the relational wealth building piece. So I want to hit on this for a moment, because the principle of investing is deeply ingrained in all of us. People choose their time to invest in their health, their family, their career, their faith, et cetera, we're investing even if it doesn't have to do with money, we're investing all the time. And we invest in people too. And so I've noticed that when individuals start to value their time, on a different level, they start to see the world through a different lens. So I know that in moments in my life, where I felt like there was tension, and I felt like my friendships were falling apart. One of the reasons was because the other person in the friendship with me, had a desire to grow in some regard. And when you have a desire to grow in one area, you want to surround yourself with others who are also doing that. And I was one of those people who was what I like to call a gnat. I'm good friend, as an I'm not really interested in and growing. I'd rather stay right where I am right now, even if it's clear, that I'm miserable doing it. Maybe you have a Nah, I'm good friend in your life, where anytime you start sharing about something that you're wrestling with, for instance, and you talk about an area you personally want to grow with. And they just blink twice and say, well, not not me, I'm good. Like, I'm good with this. So I noticed in my life that when I had friends who were starting to take their faith, seriously from the standpoint of wanting to actually use the Bible as a guide mat for how they should live their life. As I was acting like this, now I'm good person who was really just sucking the energy of other people, especially my friends who were interested in, in growing, it became clear to them that I was no longer acting as a compatible friend, because I wasn't encouraging where they were going nor interested in following along as well. And again, I'm going to use some finance language to explain it, because let's keep it simple relationships are always an exchange of energy, you may find yourself like I did years ago, where either you or the people around, you start to relocate their relational assets. If you or someone in your life is finding that every time you're together, it feels like your energy is being depleted or your assets are draining, then it's going to be a no brainer for someone to want to transfer their relational assets into a portfolio where it would grow instead of deplete and sometimes transferring it to that other portfolio means another friendship that yields higher returns and it doesn't need to be like Oh, I got something from this person as much as man my time with that person filled me up. And I felt like I was able to fill them up as well. And this really took me a while to understand because I kept thinking oh just again yep Here we go. Somebody's leaving me yep, they don't care world is out to get me until I realize Stop. What's the through line in all of this? Me? And wait, why am I not being the friend tours who was encouraging growth in other people in whatever setting their heart on fire? See higher relational returns look like surrounding yourself with people who want to see you grow and or are currently growing in those same areas you aspire to begin as well. Again, those areas can look like per is no growth, professional growth, spiritual growth, emotional maturity, et cetera. Now, again, this is not black or white. This is not the only thing. But this is a common through line that I've seen is it's usually a disproportionate growth scenario between one person in the friendship versus another. So when I use the term, it feels like my friendships are growing apart, is because they quite literally are. One is growing in one direction. And one is either staying the same, or going in completely different direction. When it clicked for me one day that I was the friend that wasn't growing, I realized that it really wasn't other people who were out to get me or that nobody liked me. It was that I wasn't being a good friend. And I was draining the energy out of other people. And a way that I found that out, was because I had some pretty remarkable people in my life, who were willing to tell me the truth, even risking that I would blow up in their face, and be extremely offended, and choose to be hurt when they first told me. So I'll get to that in a minute. But I want to first address signs that you or somebody in your life could be an energy vampire friend. And these are just a few that I wrote down that I've experienced, or that I was, if you think everyone is out to get you, or everyone is hurting you, then this could be you. Let's zoom out for a second. Nobody is conspiring against you. It's true. Nobody's doing it, you could in fact, be holding a lens of offense, I know that I would. What do I mean by that? That means that I used to choose to be offended. It's a choice. You can't just like randomly be offended, you choose to be offended, and you choose to let someone's words cut you down, and you choose to actually look at people and don't believe that they have the best intentions when they're telling it to you. And when I say that, the moment I realized that offense was a choice, I regained so much peace in my life. Because I was going to decide from that moment forward, I'm going to always make an effort to choose not to be offended, and believe the best in someone's intentions. And seriously, you can ask the people I'm closest to in my life, they will tell you how often I use the language, oh, I'm not gonna choose to be offended by that. Because it's true. I've made it a part of my regular life. And that's just one of the ways in which I was able to get out of this energy vampire nature that I found myself being for others. Another trait that you might be an energy vampire is if you talk about yourself, more than listening to anyone else. It could be you. You just talk and talk and talk. And it's usually not just talking, but it's usually complaint heavy towards another person who becomes your human trash can for you to air your grievances on which, let's be honest, who wants to do that? Who wants to be that person? Yes, I understand. Sometimes you feel the need to just vent to somebody else. But it should not consistently be venting and complaining about our lives. And another example, which was definitely true for me, when I was an energy vampire looked like this. I had so much trouble being happy for others. Immediately when I would hear about someone celebration, success achievement, I would just instantly compare where I was not. And being a friend is is being with someone through thick and thin in the great words of Laney. But honestly, it's true, you want to go through it all together, the highs and the lows, and not pull someone down to your lows, but be able to be up there and experience the highs with them. And another characteristic of an energy vampire is someone who believes that everything always happens to them. And they're always blaming someone else. And there's no self reflection. And like I mentioned at the beginning, I used to be that person who was just like, can you believe what happened to me, I can't believe this bump up up up up, not at all taking into account that you know, I have a responsibility to and a role that I played in everything. So if you have listened to any of those four or five, I don't know how many. And you're honest with yourself, and you're thinking, hey, you know what this might be me. Then first off, props to you, because that's some amazing self awareness. And you are going to be an even better friend than you already were before. Now knowing that so I mentioned one way in which I was able to unlearn my energy vampire tendencies. He's and grow into becoming the friend that I always wanted. And one of the way that I mentioned was by choosing to not be offended, and simultaneously choosing to believe the best in someone's intentions and giving them the benefit of the doubt. But there's more than that that happened. And this is a part that I would love to challenge you to do as well, if you feel like you might be an energy vampire to some of your friends. Now, this idea was given to me by my leadership coach. And once he said it, by jaw dropped, and I immediately thought, I'm absolutely not doing that. And then I realized, what do I actually have to lose by doing that? Well, what is it though, okay, I'll tell you, he told me the following. He said, XO, I challenge you to have the courage to ask those around you how they receive you. Here's what this means. You're basically asking people in your life to show you what might be some potential blind spots for you. And he also told me to preface it by saying, I want full honesty. And I also promise that I will choose to not take offense to what you're saying. But believe that you're telling me because you care about me deeply, I will listen and respect what you have to say. And then after you listen to that, you get to choose what actions you will or will not take moving forward. So for those who feel like giving up control as an issue, you get to choose your actions every single step of the way. But also remember that inaction is an action as well. So listening to that, and listening to someone who cares about you say, hey, honestly. So it feels like you'd never really listen, when I talk. What am I going to do about that? I don't want to be known as the person who doesn't listen, when other people talk. So over the past years, I've been working on becoming an intentional listener, I have no idea what it could be for you. But I do know this. You are capable of one finding, and keeping and continuing to nurture incredible friendships in your life. And two, you are also capable of being an amazing friend to others. And three, you are worth being well, and you are worth being loved and cared for. And having heard all this. I'm hoping that there's a lot of things that I said, which can translate to action for you. But I want you to truly know that and believe it and even if you don't believe it yet, I wonder what would happen if you had the courage to try and see if this helps you build relational wealth if this conversation or just trying one thing, or just one reflection or one moment in here helps increase your relational wealth with other people in your life. Thanks for being here. And thanks for being the type of person that wants to be an awesome friend. And continue to build amazing friendships and be accidentally intentional. Together. Guys, I love you so much. I hope this was a valuable episode for you. And if it was, please share it on socials. And DM me the biggest takeaway I would love to engage in a conversation with you directly. So at XO letter or at accidentally intentional, let's continue to change the world, one friendship at a time and build incredible relational wealth together. I'll see you next time. Was there someone that came to mind as you were listening to this episode? Because if so, please share it with them. We're so passionate about this message, and we want to give value to the people that would benefit from it. We drop a new episode every other Thursday, so be sure to subscribe to get the latest conversations. Oh, and one more thing if you enjoy this episode and this podcast, I would be so honored. If you would leave a review it helps us to better connect with the intended audience of this podcast by doing so. And I truly am so grateful for any amount of time that you choose to spend with me because trust me I know how many options are out there and I do not take it for granted. Seriously I just wow I just really appreciate you and take I may not know your name yet, but let's change that connect with me on Instagram at XO Asher, or on Twitter at combos with xo. But hey, even if I don't know your name yet, what I do know for certain is that you're amazing. I love you. You have something that the world needs and you are always more than enough. So hey, we'll see you next Time on the accidentally intentional podcast