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Welcome back to another accidentally intentional podcast episode. Today, we have another help series episode coming your way. And to give you insight on what this episode is about, a couple weeks ago, I had a friend and listener of the podcast, call me and share this scenario to ask for Ultimately, my insight and advice. And they also gave me permission to share the scenario with the podcast so that we can all benefit and learn together from what was going on here. And I just want to start by saying, I am not a professional counselor whatsoever. I am a sister, a friend, a daughter, and a soon to be wife. And having experienced a similar scenario before, I want to share what I've learned with you. And though each of these episodes is extremely nuanced, and speaking to a very specific scenario, if you're in a similar boat, unbelieving that you may be able to get value from this episode today. So with that being said, let me share with you a scenario and what exactly was going on. The friend was sharing with me that they have a family member who is in energy vampire. Now a couple episodes back in the help, I feel like my friendships are falling apart, what do I do episode, I shared an outline what an energy vampire was. So if you're watching on YouTube, click up here. And you can see that episode. And then head right back here. By the way, we have a YouTube channel, in case you didn't know, okay, just a quick blog there. So they were sharing with me that a family member is an energy vampire. And by the way, I did not come up with the term energy vampire, I do want to state that I'm not sure who to give credit to, but I've definitely heard it before. So just so you know, didn't come from me. But it's helpful here. And having family members and people that you're close to and love deeply and live in proximity with makes us extra tricky and difficult because energy vampires suck the life out of you. But there was a little bit more nuance to this scenario in which this specific family member truly believes that they aren't loved. And as a result, their actions create tension for everyone that they live with. And the friend shared with me that they feel like they're on pins and needles just living in the same space with them. So that was the context I got. And I said, That's so hard. What, what do you want to do about that, and the friend shared with me, I want to be able to have a conversation with this family member with the end goal of them knowing that I truly care about them. And I don't want our relationship to look the way that it does right now. Because it's creating tension for everyone. And no one is living at peace. And I said, Well, I think that's a really great goal to have through a conversation. So what I'm about to share with you is everything that I discussed with this friend, in order to help them prepare to have a conversation with this family member. And before I even discussed with this friend, what my insight would be on how to best frame and have this conversation, I first wanted to speak directly to the friend. So here's what I said, there's three parts to it. The first part is because faith is something that guides my steps and their steps as well. I said, I think it's important for you to go on a walk, and just pray that your heart is in the right place, and that you come with peace into this conversation. And if Faith is not something that's important to you, then no matter what it's important to come in with a posture of learning humility, and being able to do this in a civil and peaceful way. So you want to find something that can help you get to that place mentally. Part Two was I asked have you self reflected, to think through any ways that you could have done something wrong or gotten something wrong in this relationship to cause the tension and friction that's currently there. And I was asking not for me to hear it. But really to make sure that this friend had already been thinking through that and wasn't just pointing the finger at the family member because that obviously won't be productive. The friend went on to share with me that they're sure that they've done something wrong. And they can think of a couple small things, but nothing that in their mind would cause the tension and friction and disconnect with this family member that they're currently experiencing and that they admitted they might be missing something and that they wanted to hear what that would be, which I thought was excellent. And then part three was I asked them in your mind, what is the worst thing that can happen by having this conversation with the family member. Now obviously my goal of saying that was not to create more fear, but to actually accept a reality that could be in front of them. And the friend responded that the worst case scenario in their mind would be hearing from The family member that they don't care about how they feel. And that what they're saying, isn't valid, which ultimately would give them that feeling of being dismissed. And I responded with, well, that's how you feel already, right. So if that's the case, then I don't think you have anything to lose by having this conversation. So that's how I prep them for this. And then I talked about how to actually have this conversation and where to have this conversation, because I do believe that the location is important. And I also fully believe that if it can be the conversation needs to be in person, because body language is 80% of communication. And in a future episode, I'm going to share about some body language techniques that I have learned to make myself more welcoming, and engaging in conversations, even if I'm not saying anything at all. And so I said, for location, because it's a family member, let's get them out of the house, and take them to a restaurant where it is a neutral zone, which is something that I've learned from my friend, Dr. John Maloney, who's also been on the podcast, I'll link it in the show notes. So I said, Okay, going into this conversation, body language, tone, and the location are very important. So go out of the house. And I said that coming into this conversation, how you are sitting is actually very important. Because if you have your arms crossed, the family member is going to feel that you're already closed off and in a defensive position. So open your body, and let your hands sit open on the table, as if you want to share and want to receive at the same time. And I said, if you're the one planning this conversation, then it's on you to be the first person to speak, when you get to the restaurant, to let them know, Hey, here's why we're here today. And so I said to the friend that, I think a great starting point for this conversation, once you sit down to say, hey, the reason we're here today is because I don't like where our relationship currently is that and I've been gathering based on our interactions that you don't either. And so I really wanted to come here today. And I want to chat with you about what we want our relationship to actually look like. And what I can do better, that phrasing or something very similar to it is important because you want to make sure that the other person doesn't feel threatened, obviously, and feel like they're being dismissed, and you want to give validity to what they're about to say. So by opening the floor like that, you're putting yourself in a stance of, hey, I want to hear all of it the good, bad and the ugly, so that I know how I can move forward with you from this point. So I said after that, I think it would be important to ask, what makes you feel most loved? What am I doing wrong? And what am I missing, to not make you feel that way? Because obviously, I want you to feel love because I do love you. And if they do respond, then that's your opportunity to lean in. And listen to what they have to say, do not defend any of your actions. That's not the time for it. Just hear them. And at this point in the conversation, after we have discussed some great questions to open a dialogue, the friend then starts to tell me Well, actually, now that you're saying this, I'm starting to notice and feel how my body would react in this conversation. And I'm already feeling myself wanting to start to defend things. And they went on to say I'm starting to notice behavioral patterns inside myself that I don't want. And it's learned behavior and what what I've picked up from my childhood, and I was like, wow, that's, that's amazing self awareness to realize that now and how great that we're able to have this conversation to prep for this. So that the tendency that the friend felt like they had to dismiss, shut down, or defend their actions could actually be worked through before going to that conversation. And just being honest, that is a piece that I continue to work through in myself as well of being able to just be open handed and receive feedback. So if you heard that you're like, oh, that's kind of me too. That's, that's, that's great that you notice it, and we can work together on improving that. And so right after they shared that we discussed therapy, and the ability to self reflect as well and its importance. And if you've listened to this podcast before you know that I'm a huge proponent of therapy, I have been changed forever by it, and I recommend it to everyone, but not for the standpoint of trying to figure out what's wrong with you or feeling like you're broken as much Trying to understand yourself better, because therapy is not a place to be like this is what's wrong with the world. As much as it's a place for you to work on becoming the best version of you. And when we were talking about that, the friend said, Man, I wish this family member went to therapy. I said, Yeah, I get it. But ultimately, the worst thing is doing nothing, because the only person you can change is yourself. And you friend need to make sure that you are well, because you won't be able to obtain wellness, from this family member. So you don't want to put yourself in a position where you're dependent upon the people in your life to make sure that you're balanced. They agreed, and they said that they wanted to make therapy a priority, as soon as we got off the phone. So I thought that was a really cool opportunity right there. So I share all this with you about this specific scenario that I was asked to give insight and wisdom on. And the that night, the friend went to dinner with the family member. And guess what? The conversation did not go well. You could do all the right things. Have your heart in the right place, say all the right things. And it's still not go the way that you were hoping for? Does that mean you should give up? No. Is it disheartening? Sometimes, yes. But incredible relationships are worth fighting for. And the friend did get some feedback from the family member about what they can do better. So it wasn't a total loss, the friend shared with me that the conversation didn't go well at all, because the family member, no matter what the friend said, refuse to believe that it was true that they were loved, and that they did want to improve it. And there is absolutely nothing that friend could have done to convince them otherwise. And let's be honest, whenever that happens, there isn't anything that you can say. Or do. Because someone gets to choose what they think. And the family member choosing to believe that they weren't loved is something that they need to spend time working through on their own. But I thought this was important for me to share, because this is real life. And that shouldn't mean that you just throw in the towel after that. But you get back up, you rise again. And you keep fighting for what you believe is important. Now, if the family member had said, You know what, I'm putting a line in the sand, don't talk to me anymore. This relationship is severed and overwhelmed. And this is a completely different conversation. But that didn't happen. It was just the family member saying I don't believe that's true. In which case, you can fight to make your words align with your actions, this stuff can take time. And as long as you are doing everything you can within yourself to love people well listen, self reflect and fight for the relationship, then that's a win. And I think we need to reframe what our wins can look like, for instance, the win for my friend. Their thinking could be this. Did I do everything that I possibly could have to be peaceful in the conversation share that I cared about them show that I cared about them? Yes. So now it's just creating consistency from that. And again, something that I am working on every single day, as well. So if you find yourself in a similar situation, I want to challenge you to have a hard conversation with someone that you care about this week. And fight for that relationship. And let me know how it goes. Because I am not only cheering you on, I am walking alongside you in it. And I want you who's listening to this right now to know how incredibly loved that you are and that you are worth being well, and how can we best show that to the people that we care about today, as well.