As you hear my voice, you may notice that I sound sick. Well, it's true. And I actually have COVID Right now, but I want to thank all of you so much for the prayers, because I am now in the back half of this virus. And this was, of course, a pre recorded episode. So no worries, I have been safely quarantining and staying away from people. But I'll tell you what, I cannot wait to see another human being in the flesh here soon. So before we go any further, I need to say up front that this is part two of a conversation I'm having with my friend, Lou Phillips. And if you have not yet listened to part one, then you need to go back and listen to that one first. Because we are literally picking right up, where that left off talking about how Lu battles temptation down to the action steps he takes. And by this point, I still have nearly 10 questions that you listeners sent into me via Instagram to ask him, so we're going to unpack all of those questions in this episode, as well. So hey, if you've already prepped and listened to part one, let's keep this train rolling. In this episode, we're continuing our conversation on singleness talking about different facets of it, such as the shame that sometimes comes along with it, temptations, how married friends can support their single friends, and also how to love Jesus more in the middle of this. So without further ado, let's hit it. Here is my conversation with rz. I am speaker, Luke Phillips on singleness shame and what the gospel means for us picking up you just ended by talking about how you have learned to wrestle Well, battle well with the idea of wanting to be content. And one thing that I picked up, and that I find freedom is the fact that you are saying it is okay to feel like it's a battle every day. Absolutely. Yeah, I think that's freeing, because a lot of times, it would be easy to be like, I cannot believe I'm doing this again. Today. Yeah. But when you are saying battling, what does that actually looking like for you? Like, what are you actually doing? Yeah. I think battling is one taking that to the Lord every morning when I have a conversation with him taking your desire. Yeah, taking that desire of that, that thing that it's like, I think sometimes like a way to where I take these desires to the Lord every day, I think we overcomplicate these things, trying to make it like I gotta do this. And this and this one, I'm sorry. The beauty of like solitude, like practicing solitude, or just getting away from I won't even take my journal, my Bible, nothing, I won't take my headphones, I just sit there in silence, and just take the things that I have to the Lord, just like, Lord, you know, where my heart is on these things, you know, like, this is the stuff at the forefront of my mind right now. I've been designed to be focused on you in the ways that I could actually love others. And yet my heart is actually this right now. Can I give that to you today? And I do I love the fact that you know, when Christ teaches decreases, give us our daily bread. Why not our monthly bread, or weekly races? No, today, just go for today. Stop thinking so much in the future. And we're so future minded really know this. So just doing that, gosh, being very, very, I say what I want to see like, and I'm going to, I'm going to bring this back to pornography again. So like one thing that I've had to just cut out of my life, I will not watch, like movies that have explicit sex scenes. And I'm a grown man. Yeah. And I have to say no to these things. Is it embarrassing? Heck, yeah. But not as embarrassing it is to struggle with something in the dark. And you're saying you have to so that you don't go down? Yeah, that again? Yeah, exactly. Because I know what it does to me. And it's just like, No, it's just saying, No, this isn't healthy for me. And so you know, the things like you know, you better than Oh, God knows you better than us. But you know, you better than anybody else, you know, the things that get you going that way? Is the conversation with having your friends. Is it the movies? Is it the music you're listening to? Like, what around you is telling you that you're unfulfilled? Yeah. Because it's not just simply the extra initial, it's also being told you everywhere. And so sometimes, that is like getting off your social media, because what a social media say, the way you look and the people that you have in your life romantically define you. Yep. If there's one thing that social media says is that there's more, but so that's going to be it's like battling as in like, okay, so what are some boundaries, and you don't have to go to zero to 100. Like, you can start slow. It's like, okay, I just noticed that this is an issue. I'm gonna start there. See how that starts working? Like, it is a process. But I think the more we're willing to actually engage that. And then finally, I'd say, you have to have community you have to actually sharing with somebody that can actually talk to you about those things. Talk to somebody about where you're at on that, and to in touch somebody that you trust, because they can actually give you advice. And they can also check on are you actually doing the things you're saying? Yeah, put out some plans and pursue them and get some people to actually check on you and be like, are you actually anything you said? Are you watching these films? Are you on your social media? Let me see your phone. What's your what's your daily screen time stuff like that? Yeah, it seems like it's, like almost repressive and lacking freedom. But it's not true. Like freedom isn't the Restrict like the lack of restrictions. It's, it's placing the right restrictions in, like, we know this, we know this in every aspect of our life. For some reason, when it comes to this area, we think, no my freedom, my sexual freedom or media freedom is having no restrictions. Yeah, it's ridiculous. It's unlivable, you need the proper restrictions and some of those times because of our hearts, and because we've already engaged in there, they have to be even larger walls than we thought. And we have to just be just cautious. Yeah, yeah, no, I love that. And I think like, I can speak to that, personally. My two best friends share my location. And they are allowed to check, ask and call at any point. Yeah. And that is how, like, in a lot of ways, that is how I'm like, I literally don't have the option to get into trouble. Yeah, because guess who gon come find me and pull up with the police and just yank me out of wherever you know, or else, that's what I see in my mind is just this big scene coming. But I just started this visual right now. And I hope it can encourage somebody because I think so often, whether it's temptation, whether it's desire to be married, it just this whole idea of battling and struggling, I call it wrestling well, because it really is very physical, in a lot of ways and spiritual and, and emotional as well. But I think of how, whatever that is, think of it as an attic, and it has a ton of closed boxes in it. Right. And if you're moving, and if you're trying to get to a different place, you can't take them all out at once. It's got you have to climb up the ladder, grab a box, come down. And so I think some people miss miss this idea whenever we're struggling, where we may have taken a couple of boxes down. But then we make the mistake of opening one of those boxes. And it feels like we literally put all the boxes back in the attic, which was whatever we're struggling with, and that's just absolutely not true. Like you've actually gained ground, proverbially. Yeah. And I think that's important to remember is that if you are if you are one starting to feel conviction about certain things that you didn't think about before, that you're winning, you're winning, because you didn't think that yeah, prior, and just having this this mindset of wait. It is okay to Struggle well. And it's actually giving God glory, struggling well, because it's those certain things where we have to realize this is why I need God. Like, why would I need God if I wasn't struggling with this? So I just I just think that's a really important point that you made about how it brings you closer to God. Yeah, because of those moments. Yeah. And so I couldn't agree with you more, when you fail, you're not, you're not at your starting point. Right. That's the that's actually the lie, we believe is like when you slip up, when you mess up again, you're actually you didn't gain anything, right? It's such a lie. It's not true for a second. You really are changing and there's a reason why, you know, things do take time with that. But like, you know, another concept I think we just have to wrestle with is you know what, like, so if if we are flawed, and I've yet to meet anybody that's ever said that I'm perfect. Like, I'm just everybody that knows me would say I'm like no one I've never no one. So scary. If you did. Go, right. No one's there. Right? Yeah. And yet if there is a God, so we would say by by character, by definition of who God would have to be, he would be perfect. And yet, we think we'll never we'll never disagree. He'll never disagree with us. Like, how inconsistent is that? Like, yeah, you? You know, you're not right. You know, sometimes you're just messed up. And if anybody knew the thoughts, you had all the things you do, and like, you know, that's wrong. But yet you don't want God to do ever, any form of friction, you don't want anything to actually confront you. And yet, it's very logical to assume that if God is perfect that he is going to confront every single one of us, like no one's going to be like, No, I have it all together. No, he's going to confront those things. And so coming to the understanding that like, Oh, if God was really loving, I wouldn't struggle with these things. It's like, actually, some of the most loving things you can do is to address the things that aren't right. Well, because you actually been created for more than accurate, which which you're living in. And so that is going to cause especially if you have any form of freewill, especially if you have any form of autonomy, which crazy enough is the very thing that you and I fight for every single day is we want to be in charge. I want to live my own life. And this is why I struggle when God says no. And it's not because he's not good. It's because I want what I want. Yeah. And I trust that I'm better at it than him. And every single one of us are guilty of that. Regardless, if you believe in God or not. You think you think you're better than somebody else telling you what to do. Yeah. So I mean, if you're listening to this, you might feel like we just done stepped on your toes. I mean, and I don't want you to feel that way. One, because what I want to ask you next. So let's say someone's listening to this, they're like, well shoot this For lack of a better word, I have just done everything wrong. Literally. I'm still doing something wrong this very second Yep. What in your mind, and I have my own definition, but I would just love to hear yours. Because I feel like people often feel shame. Okay. And that is certainly something that you never want people to feel. That is what you're very intentional to make sure people don't feel shame, but rather conviction. Yeah. So can you give your own definition for the difference between conviction? And shame? Yeah, because what people might be feeling right now, when you want to turn this off, because you're like, they're coming from a we're not coming for your work. We're coming for ourselves. Yeah. Oh, my gosh, yes. So that's not shame. Yeah. That's a desire to want to be better. Yeah. Be more who God has called us to. So can you kind of lay out the difference? Yeah, I don't know where I heard this. I think it's probably set a podcast for a sermon. It probably was Tim Keller, because I've listened to the best definition. I've heard three. And the two differences. Shame is your brokenness, your sin, your failures, and no reference to the cross. Conviction is your brokenness, your failures, your shortcomings, in light of the cross? The Bible describes Christ and secondaries that He who knew no sin became sin, for your sakes that you might become the righteousness of Christ versus of God. And he also says that He died for the sins of the world, you're right to feel like something is off your right to feel like I know, I don't have this all together, right. But the beauty of Christianity more than any other worldview, it doesn't let you just sit in that feeling of saying, Yeah, and you better work your way back into to perfection. The Bible actually says, You'll never actually do it. In fact, you need perfection placed upon you, you need to actually receive this, that it's a profession you could never have earned or even sought after, and actually be evident given to you. To me, that is so freeing, because here's why. I already feel crappy enough for the some of the decision I made towards people and everything else. And I have to deal with that. Yeah. But if God Himself, the one who's created all says, at night cross, there is no condemnation. That is what the scripture says. Like it says, at the foot of the earth, there is no condemnation, because he said he has taken on your sin. And He separate as far as the east is from the west. There is no he does not. It's gone. Yeah. And there's no more No more condemnation there. There is a freedom there that says, you know, what, if, if God Himself says I'm, I'm forgiven? Well, then I can move past this. And sometimes that's hard to believe. And because often it's, it's, it's easy to believe God can forgive you not you've been, can you forgive yourself? That's the scary thing. And when you say that, when you say, I can't forgive yourself, you're saying the cross wasn't big enough. And I know that's harsh, but it's true. And I'm guilty of it myself. What you're saying is, uh, yeah, I get that God himself died on the cross for sins. But it wasn't big enough for my mind. Finn's too big says, No, he's done it for all. And he offers that to every single one of us. But yeah, because the difference. This is why I think Christianity is so beautiful, even though it gets put in this line of like, No, this is the one that brings shame. No, it says, here's what you've done wrong. And here's the cross that says, I cover this. Well, come to me with it. If you offer it to me, if you say, I'm sorry, I'm not saying religious life perfectly. I'm saying I'm sorry. Will you forgive me? And will you give me the strength to actually live the way you would have me too? That's the beauty of, of Christianity is it's a relationship. It's, you never get a bat, you're never gonna pass on sin. No sin sent God himself to the cross. There is no joking about like, oh, isn't that big of a deal? And it was a very big deal. Yeah, the beautiful thing is that Christianity humbles you. Because it says God Himself had to die. He had that same time it raises you up and says he had he was willing to die for you. It's beautiful. I mean, I don't know where you're going to get a worldview that actually brings both together, because you're either gonna get condemnation, or you're gonna get just live freely, who cares? Because it doesn't matter. And yet, we know both of those are unlivable. And it Chris Shea comes in the center and says, No, he loves you enough to do it. But it costs him everything. And so live in the way that live in a way that reflects and honors the fact that God bankrupt heaven in order to reconcile you back to him. That's, to me, it's like, that's why I cannot I don't sit in shame. But when I feel that conviction, I ask Allah for strength, and I choose and I do everything I can to choose what I believe God's calling me to. That's so good. And I think like to just encapsulate in in summarize that shame is when you feel nothing can be done. It's just like, yeah, yeah. So I just have to live like this. And that's an and, versus conviction. Whenever I hear sermon, and I feel conviction, I actually love it. Because I know this is what I need to focus on bringing to God. Yeah. And, and working on not working on my own strength, partnering with God to be like, alright, God, this is clear. I have an issue with gossip. That's what the sermon was about. And now I know what I need to work on. You know what I'm saying that I think that's the difference. If shame makes you sit there feel like okay, There's, I'm literally supposed to hold this for the rest of my life, then that's, that's not of God. But if you feel like whoa, I've done something wrong, I've done something that's, that's, that's separate made me feel separated from Christ. But I know that there's something I can do and bring that to him, then I feel like that's conviction. And that's a positive thing. Yeah. So I just want to go on that side tangent real quick, so that anyone who is maybe listening to this and it's like, well, I've had sex. So what now you know that that's not? That's not the end all be all situation. Yeah. For anybody that's like, sure. Like, gosh, I know that's gonna be preached by Christian, no things are sins a big deal. And I think we've elevated sins over the other over other ones. But if you are struggling with it, I just recommend reading some of Paul's epistles acts, just look at the life of the apostle Paul. And I think you see very quickly, none of us are too far. And the Bible is very clear that but Paul has some beautiful words on that, calls himself, the chief of sinners. And then also says like, I don't care what others think of us, I don't care what I think of myself, ultimately, because I know what Christ things like, there's a freedom there that Paul talks about, that I think all of us should attain, or should shoot to attain, the dude went from killing Christians, to then being one of the most effective evangelists in the world has ever seen. So some stuff happened, right? And so and he has, he has that that the Lord gave. And so I'm grateful that so he's had a perspective. And he is, and obviously, the Lord used his his writings to ultimately scripture. So there's, there's a lot going on there. Paul talks about this so well. So if you're ever wrestling with it, and I'm, like, I'm so grieved to know that you may have been shamed in it, even by the church or saying, Now you mess up here. Listen, we all have fallen short, if there's one thing the Bible is clear on is that every single one of us, and it doesn't matter if you already have not slept around, if you slept with a million people, it doesn't matter if you killed someone or to all of us, literally. Because the Bible says if you if you miss one of these, you're guilty of them all. So that says every single one of us are on the same playing field. And that immediately seems ridiculous or crazy. But it's actually the most beautiful thing because it puts us on the same playing field, doesn't matter what you're growing what you're you're, it just shows you that it's not your works. And that is beautiful to know, only the God of Christianity actually levels the playing field and says every single one of you is broken, every single one of you needs my grace offered to it. Here's the thing I will offer to every single one of you that are willing to humble themselves and ask for it. But it's it really I mean, it's that complex. It's that simple. Yes. It's enough. It's easy enough for a child to understand it's complex enough for most brilliant minds in the world, just don't understand it entirely. And get to the bottom of it. So it is one of those universal truths that I think it's just like, it's more beautiful. The more you gaze into it, though. Yeah. And so for, for those people that joke about like, Oh, God will strike me down. If I walk into church, he literally just answered that and said, No, that's not true. Yeah. So level playing field. Okay. Yeah. So I got like, eight questions here that that people had, and they wanted you to answer. Well, yeah. So how can you move on? If a crush starts dating someone else? Now this is interesting, because you never dated? Yeah. But you've had this imaginative life with the person. Right? Yeah. And I'm asking you, because I'm assuming you may have had that. No, I Yeah. This is actually something I can speak into. Yeah, cuz I love the dating series. But I can tell you that Yeah. Yeah. Um, gosh, here's another thing that I've, I remember, there was a certain person that I really, really was had such a crush for, but it ended up not working kind of thing. And it was hard for me not to think of this person and be really frustrated, because they were like, and so one of the things I actually had to do was prevent myself from seeing that person a lot. And I know that seems like well, wow, that seems kind of odd. No, I just knew it wasn't, it wasn't their fault. I wouldn't be like this person's Ivana and get them. I don't know, it's not their fault at all. It's not know that they're doing their own thing. But I knew that in me, it just didn't do things. So I had to make sure I was got that person in my life as much as I could. And I just say, over time, it changed and it's no longer there. And I know that's, it's just, it's one of those odd things that sometimes that you have to go through. I feel like I'm saying the same things over and over. It's being careful what you put before yourself. It's making sure that you have the community to talk to about like, whether you can share that with one person. And just so that you can you know, the craziest thing with this stuff is like, even when you have those things, there's crushes of this infatuation with people. It doesn't mean it was right. And I think that's hard to believe. Because I think we think just because I can oh my gosh, I can think of my own light. Yeah. 100% Yeah. Not true. Yeah, just not true. It's like there are some of you who like, okay, so then you're like, oh, no, like, this is not right. Like, and I'm willing to fall like so. Yeah. This is where, you know, the concept of following your heart I just think is utter trash. Yeah. I I really do. And that's not me throwing a shade at Disney or everything else. But it does. Yeah. But like your heart, the Bible describes your heart is wicked. Especially my heart is wicked as well. But what it's saying there's, you and I are bent with a, we have our bent towards sin, actually, we crave some more than God. And so we crave this more than what he has designed for us. And so it's very likely that our heart will tell us things that aren't actually true sometimes. And that's just so true. We know it. Think back to your own life, you know, there are times you're like, oh, my gosh, was I wrong on that one? Yeah, I was like, I felt so right. And and this is why when we are getting over this versus it's like, I think time does. I mean, it's cliche to say time heals all things. I don't know if it heals all things. But I do think time between those things is helpful can help expedite? Yeah, exactly, I would say from my own life, especially with, like, crushing it to get over in the time was involved. And it was, but it was also getting that not in some harsh way as like, this person is toxic. They know, I need to make sure that because I actually get frustrated. And you'll you'll realize that that your focus changes elsewhere, and you're able to live life without thinking of that person. Yeah. So it's interesting. You say that, because I like as a side tangent, I'm such a big fan of the block button. And people are so scared. They're like, I'm like, you're hurting. You should block them. Yeah. Do you want? Do you want to not be hurting anymore? Like, you need to remove yourself from it? Yeah. I'm going to press you a little bit harder. Let's say it's a situation. You can't remove yourself. Yeah, their co workers. It's a college campus, you actually have to see this playing out before your own eyes. What then? No, I don't know. You pray? I actually, gosh, that's such a good question. And that's going to be Yeah, that that has to be like a living hell, in many ways. Because I think so. So definitely nuance definitely out. Oh, my gosh, it's such a specific. So then bring into this. I'm tagging another question. Now. How do you fight the urge to lower your standards? Because the loneliness rises up to a new level? When you see things like that happen? Oh, geez, yeah. Okay. Yeah, that's easier for me to answer. Sorry. Because the other ones like, gosh, that's hard. You want to respect you know, a person's decision? How do you not lower your standards, and it's really difficult to operate in a healthy state, when you don't even have a healthy view of yours yourself. And I know, that's another like, slap it on a coffee mug and like, call me basic like, seriously, I mean, there's so many different things that are, yeah, but for for real. I've yet to meet anybody that's folded on their standards that had a very high view of themselves and not in a not an arrogant way. But in a way they understood they understood their own value. Often we're willing to fold on those things when we depreciate ourselves and think, Well, maybe I'm not, I won't get this person that goes into all these types of things. And so this is where I think it's essential that you have a solid identity in Christ. And I know that that's very much Christian lingo. And let me unpack that for just one second. identity in Christ does not mean you know, when you become a Christian, that does not mean you are no longer so let's just take me for example, when I became a Christian, I didn't no longer become a white, heterosexual American male, like those still, those four things that are still my identity, right. But what Christianity does, it says all of those things don't have to sit under this foundation, or like, I guess they have to be placed on top of the foundation and the foundation is my identity in Christ. And they are then informed by this identity. So does that mean? Well as a as a male, like? Well, it means that God's designed me to make sure that I don't leverage my position of power over women ever. And then I do everything I can to serve them, that I'm American, that that doesn't mean I'm no longer married, but it doesn't mean I don't get to marginalize or like, look down on other cultures or, or countries because I think I write that I'm heterosexual that just because I have the orientation that God doesn't that I don't necessarily get that idea. Just because I'm penetrated doesn't mean I get to operate in a way that says, no women recruited for me. And I was like, No, that I'm white that I don't again, even right now that I don't live in a position. And I say, just leverage this, this again, this position of like, privilege and authority for the fact that I've never had any, I've never had any form of discrimination towards me, because of my race. I've never had any form, I'm not going to be conscious of my race. Because I live in white America. So like, my Christian identity informs all these things. Like you don't get to leverage these things. You don't get to just because you are these things, it actually informs them to be greater than what they are. It doesn't eliminate them. So back to the thing. That's a great distinction. Yeah. How so? What do you do? You know, in those situations, it's like, you gotta you gotta really do some hard work. And this is where I said, having community and speaking to people about where you're at how we know Christ, and how we have a relationship with them is through His Word as well like and I know we often can diminish just reading scripture because it's hard. I'll be very real with you. Sometimes it's really, really difficult. So I recommend you no Bible project videos if you never if you don't assume the book you're about to read, if you've not read, if you're not watching the Bible project videos, they're phenomenal. Where do you find them? YouTube, go to whatever book you're about to start reading the Bible watch about the project video on it before. And it gives you just a beautiful understanding of that book. So you're not just going in there, like, I have no freaking clue what they're talking about. Great. But it's not about you just knowing that book. Like it's a living and active document. And I know that seems crazy, but it's so true. I cannot tell you how many times I've read the word without any it just pierced me because it's like, so clearly the Lord speaking to me, sometimes it's not that sometimes it is, though. And so using this, that helps us shape our identity and make sure that in Christ's first meeting, he's the only thing that if you pursue will satisfy you, and if you fail, he'll forgive you. Every other thing, you find your identity, and I promise you will shatter you, if you if you fail it, and it will never forgive you. The classic DTR define the relationship. Um, and the reason I ask this is because I have I have been called out for this before. So I'm learning right now. Whenever you complain or remark about my singleness to someone who wants to pursue me. And when I make that remark, I'm like, That means don't pursue me. You know what I'm saying? I'm like, I'm complaining about it. Because it ain't you. But yeah. But they take it the opposite way. Sure. And then you got to have a DTR. I guess, here's what I want to know. And this is really me talking. But how can we be better at understanding when it's the right time to address it without someone's heart getting hurt in the process of it? Because it's hard to navigate? So I'm really just like, hearing a guy's side on this. Yeah. Oh, jeez, that's hard. And I actually don't know if there is a way in there, there definitely is a way for the collateral to be less, but never. No collateral, there's always be some hurt because someone's being told no. Yes. I mean, one way to really make, I think, a very positive way of saying that you're not interested versus like having almost no one on one time with a person. Like if you're consciously doing things with groups, and you've done like, but you know, when you when you squat with one person, you do some and it's not technically, you're still communicating something. And so I know I've selfishly done that before. Yeah. Because there's like, no, it's just fun to have something you're not realizing that what I was actually doing was bringing a girl along something, thinking, and she was thinking something else. And it wasn't even a thought of mine. And I heard her because she thought it was something else that was on me. Yeah. And that is something I had to change that's on on that person. Because I actually was communicating some of the while even realizing it. Yeah. And I think there just gets to be this little bit of like, anxiety that happens of like, oh, like they're trying to be really nice. And then like the community, the community, in your life might be like, That's because you're leading them on, you need to tell them and what I found, I read this quote in the book, and I have never forgotten it. And it has literally changed how I live in a way. And it was just one sentence. And it said, People can always accept a no. What they can accept is a lack of response. So if something's being not addressed for so long, people can't handle it the same way that people can't handle being ghosted. You have this fear of hurting someone, what you're doing is harming them a lot more when you just said, you found one thing about me and you literally stopped talking to me. Like, that's what? Yeah, like, think about that, like if you haven't been ghosted, that's really the narrative that's playing out in someone's mind. They're like, wow, I must have said something wrong. Then they're thinking about, what did I say wrong? Did I look weird? Did it? Yeah. And it's just like, No, you could have just said, Hey, like, I mean, I don't know about the whole thing. I was like, I'm just not physically attracted to you, you know what I'm saying? Because there should be more than one reason. Yeah. Yeah. So I would rather tell someone, and and let them be heard a little Yeah. Then say nothing and let them be harmed a lot. Yeah. I think that's brilliant advice. I would go with that. And that's forward communication, or like direct communication. Yes. So if you aren't personally struggling with being content, and I know this is kind of what you do for a living, but practically, friends speaking, how do you if you're dating someone, here we go? Well, we'll bring it up there. If you're dating someone, how do you help a friend that single? who's struggling with the fact of being single? Because really automatically you lose the credibility? You're like, you can't say anything? Yeah. Somebody you know? No, see, I actually disagree with that entirely. I think people try. So it's the same thing. I've gotten people that are married trying to tell me I can't give them advice on marriage. It's like that's not sure at all, actually. Why? Because I can take truths from the scripture that are that are biblical and that are about marriage and say, This is what I've seen one, this is what it says you can disagree. And then I can also just say this is But I've seen so I'd take this. So I don't think it's fair for singles to then throw that on their couples for their friends that are married or dating that they don't understand the struggle, because they could have understood it. Like, for example, I would know someone struggle having been single for 29 years. I eventually do get married. Like, it's not like I'll ever be like, all Yeah, I'm a complete No, yeah, that's ridiculous argument. Yeah. So no, you can, what I think that people that are that are dating and that are married can do is to constantly be aware that being single, it can be a very difficult thing. And to invite those people into your lives as much as possible. Yeah, maybe maybe that doesn't mean not not being so affectionate with your, your, your spouse, your girlfriend or boyfriend in front of them all the time. Like, in like, you know, PDA, I don't know, that's, that's a really good feel like, oh my gosh, there's some couples where they just they literally if this, if this is the couch, they could sit on there, they're actually on top of each other. Because it's like, No, we just love each other. It's actually like, you actually display a lot more of your insecurity than the strength of that relationship. You really are, you're showing actually the, the weak threads that it's built on versus it's the depth because actually, the relationships, I know that the strongest. I think it's other people that I work with, where it's like, sometimes you'd never even know these two people are married. And it's not like this, like, we don't even like each other. It's not that at all, they're just two who there's just so confident in who they are and who God has to be in the person that they're married, that it's beautiful. And so those are those people that I see them, not elevating their marriage, not making their their relationship just like endo like, and and also not, not constantly trying to hook that person up with somebody. I know that while some people may appreciate that, I think unless that person asks you to or like you talk about those things, what you what you're conveying to that person is that you're like this wounded thing that needs help. Who is conveying that the single person or the people trying to set them up the field trying to set them up? If it's not communicated? Well, I think you're constantly oh my gosh, there's so like, one way he's treating it like, like they have a disease. Yeah, you're treating them like they got anxious. I you guys, so I think one way that yeah, people that are not single could do that. It's just like, just be friends with people that are single and like that timing and stuff can work out. But like, gosh, if they if they know some of your friends, I really liked it. Yeah, help them out, set them up with people, you know, but like, don't make that the conversation. Like I can't tell you any friends. I have that. Are there couples that I'm just so comfortable to being around, because they get it and they just know, they love the relationship there. And they're married, they've had kids and they just like, but they will not leverage that or like, over over emphasize it over my life or like, no, they see the beauty of what I'm doing as well. And so I think that's helpful is to be around people that just appreciate singleness is what it means to be great. And just not diminish it. Yeah, but yeah, if you're the same person, you know, you want set up, tell your friends you want set up? Um, I can. I feel like most people want to try and set people up because everyone always has someone forever. Like when I asked you and you're supposed to be working on that right now. Yeah, no. Oh, I forgot about that. See? And this is and then you got to remind them. That person? Oh, okay. Well. I don't know. When you live in Atlanta, I don't know him. Okay. So, you know, Lou, I think this has been a very great and very fruitful conversation. And I feel like it's gonna leave people with a lot of like pebbles in the shoe. Sure. And they just have to walk away and just think about a lot of it. And I hope that was the case for you. Because nothing that we're saying there's cookie cutter. Yeah, that's just to the to single. Anyone J You can't Yeah, um, but one thing that has remained the same throughout this conversation is that it is abundantly clear that you really love the Lord. Dare I say to the point that someone may be listening to this thinking, I have no idea how to get there. Like you say, I'm content because I love the Lord. Like that's what they're hearing. That's, that's That's the summary. But I don't know how to do that. So I want to ask you, what are some ways that people can learn to love God more? I think, if you've not, if you've not taken a serious look at scripture, I think it's really hard to it's hard to love someone you don't know. And one of the ways that God says He reveals Himself to us is through Scripture. Now, he also reveals himself through community and all these times. I'm not saying it, but one of the primary ways he does that is through Scripture. And so I would really recommend doing that. And if you're struggling with that, it's okay to just even quickly pray before you start reading. Like Lord, I have no idea what I'm doing and I get frustrated this but can you just help me today? And you may feel like he doesn't even help you that you don't need to be ashamed. Like God's not surprised and the way you feel. And he's actually more. He's more excited about showing you grace than you are excited for asking for it. Like he's not frustrated. He is great. Shouldn't he is patience, He is love not he is loving, he is patient. He is gracious. He's he embodies those things. And to start there No. And I think this all hinges on my love for the Lord radically changed when, gosh, I finally it finally hit me that he actually did it for me. Like, it's one thing to think about and know that here's a God that died for the sins of the world. It's another thing to know that he, he chose you before the foundation the world, it's one thing to know that he knows how broken you are, and still says, I love you. And those are the things you just got to sit on for a while and you pray that the Lord draws you near. And I mean, the Bible does say if you draw nearer to Him, He will draw near to you. And one of the ways that we do that, I think sometimes we're just so distracted, we can't even get alone with him because we have our phone and we're gonna shoot texts, and we're also gonna pray, like getting a loan with him, I think is so important. And then pray some dangerous prayers, like, and those dangerous prayers for me where, God what do you want me to do? God, I will do whatever you asked me to do. Just give me the courage to do it. It's just stuff like when you're when you're taken through the wringer with him when you're put through the wringer with him. And you're taken through this dark times. There's a deeper intimacy to be to be. Yeah, acquired. And so you better believe he'll answer those. Yeah, yes, he will, especially when you mean them. And then again, through community, I cannot emphasize how much overemphasize how much community has brought my intimacy with the Lord, like, is being around other people that do know him, and have spent their life and are doing everything they can to know him more. Like that actually changes your position with it. But it doesn't ever come like it should never become this comparison. You're like, oh, my gosh, they really know, Lauren, I don't. But it's it's so much less about what you need to do more about just you being with him. Yeah. And I know that's harder to it's harder to do than is said for sure. But spending time with him. And spending time with those who know him as well, I think is the one of the best ways. And then yeah, you're interfacing with him when you feel like he's actually telling you to do something. And you do it when it feels like it's the craziest thing or whatever. And you're choosing to to honor Him because you realize your life isn't your own. If you if you tell a kid not to do something, and they ask you why. And you give them that reason. And they agree with it. They're not actually doing it because they love you. They're doing it because they understood it. And I think sometimes it's frustrating, because sometimes God just says do this. Sexuality is one of those things in general, do I fully understand why you want? No, I think I've got a glimpse of it. I do it. And and for me to demand to understand it would show me that I don't actually love him. Because there was a massive point in my life when I've lived in Washington, DC, where the Lord revealed to me that I didn't actually love him. I loved him for what he gave me and it broke me well, because here I thought I was living my life living for the Lord and loving him. And I didn't I just wanted the good things he didn't give me. And that's a real gut check right there. You need to really ask yourself, do you want him? Or do you want the things that flow from the God that creates everything because I think what we want is the goodness he provides not him. And what changed that for me was the cross. And there's a reason why we hanging around our necks. There's a reason why it's the symbol for Christianity. There's a reason everything in Christian hinges on the cross, and the cross displays his seriousness or sin, his sense of justice, and ultimately, his love what he's willing to do for us. And so when I sit, when I can sit and gaze upon that, gosh, that's what changed me. But it took time. And I just don't think you need to beat yourself up. Everybody's on a different path of their understanding of who the Lord is. But consistency is far more important than length of time. Because I think everybody's like, well, I can't give God an hour this morning. I might as well not do anything. It's like, if you've never taken seriously your relation with the Lord, and you're gonna start going through that you will fail like you're not going to do with five minutes. Yeah, so Yeah, seriously, try five minutes. I don't care, do something and just do everything. Just, I even struggle to say Do everything you can because that even puts more. No, I don't want to I don't want you to think that you definitely play a role. But it's it's more about relationships. Yeah, exactly. It's more about you spending time with that person. That's yeah, it's complicated, but it's beautiful. And anybody that still one, if you still share that actually reach out to so because I would want to talk to you about it. For sure. I know that. I know. We're all passionate about these sorts of things. Just don't think you're alone in it because there are even days that I still struggle with this. But I'd say the majority of the time when I close my eyes at night and I'm thinking about my life, I really do have a content with it knows that I'm accepted. And I'm loved by the one who created it all and that just gives me just Did peace that Jesus unshakable especially in a time like right now, where everything is uncertain, it's beautiful to know that I have a student, I know that I have a rock to stand on. And I'll finish with this. One of my favorite quotes. So far this year has just been a quote by Charles Spurgeon. And it says, I've learned to kiss the wave that throws me against the Rock of Ages. There's a lot of Christian linger there. But what it's saying is, I've actually learned to appreciate hard times, because it makes me stand upon the one thing that's solid, and that's God Himself. And that is actually afforded to us through Christ. And that's what's so important. I think, the more we were willing to give him our lives and actually fully surrender it. Though, it seems ridiculous, though, it seems completely counterintuitive. The more you relinquish control of your life and give it to God, and you will see an experience of love you've never had before. That's so good. That's a fantastic way to end it, Lou. For some, like actionable takeaways, I'm just, I'm trying to be that person who still has questions. When it comes to opening up the Bible. Lou gave a prayer. One that I like to praise God, I'm giving you permission to change my mind. Oh, that's good, Tara. It's so good. Because the last thing we actually want in our humanity, is for someone to cross us Yeah. And cross our opinion across our thought process. But I think even that is learning the art of laying it down. Yeah, relinquishing control. Yeah. And another good dangerous prayer is God break my heart for what breaks yours. Because that will reveal to you if you have been like, I don't really know where to start. Yeah, that's a good way to start. But be ready. Because you're gonna get, you're gonna hear pretty quick on that, and, and lose mentioned community a lot. And I think it's important to say that this will be a separate podcast episode I do with someone on how to find community. So let me just quickly say, in summary, that sometimes the best way to find community is by being the community yourself. And what I mean by that is, if nobody else is going to be vulnerable, you can be the vulnerable person first. And sometimes people have to learn, right? So I had this conversation with someone last week, who actually said to me, I don't want the way that I'm currently living to be how I continue to live. Yeah, but I don't have any community holding me to a higher standard. I was like, Oh, my, like, that's, that's what this is. And then I think from the person they didn't know, they don't know what their role needs to be in his life, because he didn't articulate it. So that that's what I would say, yeah, sometimes it's okay to be vulnerable, and be like, Hey, here's what I'm struggling with. And also say, and can I ask you, this is what I need? Could you do this for me? Because I think people more than anything else, especially when it comes to people within the church, want to know how we can be there for one another. And sometimes you just got to be the first person to articulate don't expect that don't. Don't just think it's innate? Because it's not. It's a very learned process. Yeah. So yeah. All right. Well, Lou, this was fantastic. Thanks for your time. Of course. Thank you. You know, what I love about Lou is that I always walk away from conversations with him wanting to love Jesus more, it was so good and so helpful for me. And I, of course, hope you found it to be the same for you. Here's some of my takeaways. Number one, do we want God? Or do we just want what he can give us? Number two, some of the most loving things God can do for us is addressed what isn't right inside of us, because we were created for more. Number three, if God says that I'm forgiven, then I can move past this, whatever this is for you. Maybe it's temptation, maybe it's feeling ashamed. Maybe it's heartbreak. And maybe it's just unmet expectations. If God has forgiven you, you can move on and move forward. Number four, if you're tempted to fold on your values, remember that by doing so, it can actually depreciate your value. And if you're wondering what your value is, maybe it's prices like MasterCard, hey, number five, what are you inputting into your mind, especially when it comes to movies, music, et cetera? It's something we need to be super mindful of because it does impact us find community, go directly to Jesus and speak to people about where you're at. Number six, God is way more excited to show you grace than you could ever be excited to ask for it. Cool. Now, I of course, want to know what some of your takeaways were from this conversation as well. So please feel free to comment them below or DM them to me on Instagram at XO, Asher. And of course, if you didn't get a chance to listen to part one of my conversation with Lou on how to be content in your singleness and the meaning of marriage, then you're going to definitely want to listen into that one as well. So click this link below, guys as usual. Thank you so much. for hitting up accidentally intentional and I'll see you in the next video