Today's episode is going to be a fun one because I brought in one of my friends Kristen Clary to talk about ghosting culture not just in relationships and dating, but just overall in this episode, we're going to unpack all of it and share some of our crazy stories we've had in our own lives. What's cool about Kristin is that we both were part of the silver ring thing tour team, though we never actually toured together. So Mackenzie tail is solely responsible for us becoming friends, because she said, You're the two funniest people I know. You need to be friends. So we said, Okay, let's do it. So this is going to be a conversation that I hope keeps you laughing the whole time. Christine currently serves as a flight attendant on Delta Airlines. And we actually speak in the beginning about a really fun fact about her, which is that she was actually the face of delta in one of their safety instructional videos for a couple years running. So you may actually recognize her if you've flown with Delta within the past couple of years. So as I said, I think this is gonna be a really enjoyable conversation to listen into and be a part of. So without further ado, buckle up and get ready to laugh with us. reminisce with us as we discuss our experience with ghosting culture, and how to navigate the challenges and weirdness of it all in 2021. Guys, welcome to another episode of The accidentally intentional blog guest. I'm just gonna do a different voice every time so today I'm honored because I have my friend from high in the skies. Kristen Clary joining us today. Now, is it true that you were the face of delta in one of their onboard shorts because we need to talk about this? You may. It's so true. Oh, I had bangs at the time. So if you can just imagine this, like straight across bang, tight like low bun look. Yeah, yeah, I was the face of Delta. Back in 2017. I'm on the husband now. I love it. I love it. Yes. The Hall of Fame somewhere. I still get recognized. It's crazy. Well, they'll be like we didn't you weren't you do I know. Yes. Can you give me safety? Yes. Before? Like, I just have that waitress face and then like, yeah. About like, okay, let's like circle back. So I was in this video is for the safety Delta, you know, all that. Yeah. So you are a sky icon, a sky icon, if you will, if you add certain circles. For that node provides safety. Yes, precautions. Absolutely. That's amazing. I know. And really, you're, you're the safest person. I know. As a result of that. Thank you. I you know, I do try to apply, you know, practice what I preach, except for when you go to Bali on your own, but that's for another time. Hey, so let's your fives. Yes. highly suggest highly suggest. Yeah, so she's the type of person who will go to an unknown land unknown country solo. I highly recommend it. I think anybody. Honestly, if you're married the same for single people. I think everyone should do like a solo trip. At least once. I try to do one at least once a year. I've done Scotland barley. Nice so far. Okay. You're cut off. But I think it's you learned so much about yourself. Right? For another time, but definitely, definitely do it. I'm gonna talk you into it. You're gonna do it. Okay, well, if you take my current boss of the podcast, Go Fund Me to Bali. Is that a Patreon? No, Bali just right. We'll get you to Columbus. Well, we need your Greyhound bus, right? Start somewhere, everybody. Yeah, so funny. So what's fun about Christina, this is fun. This is our strength is that we're both currently single, single we're enjoying dating apps. Well enjoy is a relative term is a stretch. But yes, stretch. We're there. So our topic today is how to navigate ghosting culture, which is pretty funny because we're both very pale. We look like ghosts ourselves. And, and unmet expectations. Yeah, it's a good topic. It's like, it's a lot to unpack here. Because I think unfortunately, this has like crept into dating culture so much in the past. I mean, few years, I started on the dating apps. Honestly, I was kind of scared to start dating apps in general, because I was like, honestly cliche. Like, I can't be that. Yeah, I can't be that desperate. I can meet somebody out in the wild, right. So the out in the wild was my ideal form of meeting somebody. So I'll just backtrack with like my dating journey. I went to a small private Christian school here in Pittsburgh, where I grew up and I didn't date at all. So So we I was a late bloomer, if you will, when it comes to the dating scene. So no dating experience up until like, senior year, worked for a nonprofit thought, like, oh, I would meet my husband there. And we would live happily ever after I was like, in my head very much like, I am going to meet somebody in my early 20s will be married, I'll have kids, like, we'll do the whole thing right about it. And that didn't happen. I started being a flight attendant when I was 21. And I was like, yeah, like, I'll meet a pilot, I'll meet like a passenger. And like, I did it a little bit here and there, but like, still, like, not married, right. So things were like shifting as far as like, this wasn't how I envisioned my life to go. This is how I envisioned my dating scene to go. But like I am, I'm actually like, super grateful. I didn't get what I wanted. And I'm glad that I've learned a lot through the whole dating situation. I've learned a lot just honestly about myself, but about like the human condition and other people as well, as I'm sure you can relate to. So I did I hopped on the dating apps, I have done Bumble and hinge. I know they're not sponsors of the podcast, but hey, maybe. So I started off with these, like dating platforms, like was trying to be light hearted and not like very strict as far as like, who was looking for her wasn't looking for I was like, let's just like start off with like, you know, if you put pineapples on your pizza, this isn't gonna work, you know, like, very just like fun and like, not like, what's your opinion, but that's, that's the thing is like, it's all visual. This is the, this is the thing, though, too, I think you would swipe left or right, like you would accept the person, you're a little bit more critical than you, then you are in person. So you can't see this, obviously, on a podcast, but I'm six foot one. So I'm six foot one, I have red hair. And on a dating app, I'm more prone to swipe left on somebody and like, totally dismissed them if they're not over six, one. And like, I'm kind of like, embarrassed to say that because it sounds like oh, my gosh, Kristen, you're a little shallow. You know what I'm saying? But when I've met people in person, and they're not six foot one, I'm not like immediately. No, it's updated, shorter than me. And it's been a great dating experience. But on the apps, I'm very, like, hypercritical, yes. And I kind of don't like that about myself on there. So that was like one of the first like, little kind of like, check yourself before you wreck yourself, like moments there. So when it comes to dating on the dating apps, I initially would go out with people. And then this was like, mostly up in Boston. Okay. So I'm Boston base now. And a lot of people wanted to go Dutch, like, like, pay half of the bill. But which is fine, like, Hey, I'm independent woman, I have my own job. Like, that's totally cool. Right. But that was like a thing. Yeah, it was like a consistent thing like, so I don't know if like, people were just going out on so many days. And they're like, I can't financially afford this. So we're always going to be splitting this, but I'm just like, hey, we're just getting like milkshakes. Or we're just getting like one round. Like, we're still we're still splitting this. Okay. Okay, that's fine. That's where we're at. Cool. So, I mean, my longest relationship when it came down to dating apps would be I think there was like a five month stretch, and then it would just fizzle out. And it would be there either moving or our heads aren't in the same place. Or most oftentimes, I would have this conversation of like, the define the relationship, and the what are we? Right, and I've changed my approach since Okay, so I think going forward, I've learned a lot along the way. And I think going forward, you kind of have to go into that conversation, being like, Hey, this is what I'm feeling about you I do have feelings for you. And I really enjoy hanging out with you. And I would like to have this as more than just a friendship or more the hang out like to see where this goes. Yeah, you know, how are you feeling instead of going up to them and putting all the pressure on them and saying like, Hey, what are we Yeah, what are your thoughts communicating your expectations and then asking there's what a profound Wow, incredible, so wild, but then along the way, well, first off, you're talking about men not affording dates. I heard this statistic a couple months ago, and my jaw dropped to the floor. They said that men on average over their left lifetime spend nearly a $100,000 in dates, jeez, like 100,000? How? I haven't been on this trip. So yeah, it was first class. This is totally a lie. They're just trying to scare men to just lock it down. Well, I would like to know the number. It's like, my numbers got to up there to that. But those go a duck situation. You know, that's crazy. I never. I never even knew that was like a cultural thing in some spaces. Yeah. Like, I know, somebody were like, Ah, let's see. Let's just see if she offers I would just like the first day, you know, I'm all for like, hey, at least show me you want to do? Yeah, like, you get the movie tickets. I'll get the popcorn. I'm here to contribute. Like, I'm looking for a team member, right? Am I here for sugar daddy like, but I am just like, just maybe effort. The shoulder, the shoulders and just a little. Just like, yeah, I totally agree with that. But so as a result, we've also had a lot of negative experiences. Yeah, dating apps where this thing called ghosting happens. So let's first define what ghosting is. Okay? Sure. Yeah, for me, ghosting. I mean, this isn't Merriam Webster by any means. So take this with a grain of salt. Crystal clear. Yeah, this is a crystal clear version. Ghosting for me is when you have consistent communication, and there is a lapse in that in a sudden manner. So you're talking you're talking you're communicating, you're either phone calls, FaceTime, texting, Snapchat emails, if you're feeling frisky Wow, wild throwback, yeah. Or even like you're seeing somebody as in like, physically seeing somebody for dates, getting coffee, yeah, whatever doing doing like in person things. And then all of a sudden, like, they drop off the face of the earth. And it makes you feel really good. It is such an ego boost to you. I just feel so encouraged and inspired. After it happens. It's one of those moments where you like, you can be a super competent person. And then all of a sudden, you're like, wait a minute, what's wrong with me? What did I do? What did what did I do and then you start like going down this deep, dark hole of like psychoanalyzing oh my gosh, it was that last text message I sent? Was it like, Was it something I worked was my breath awful on our lap, it was the garlic bread. It was just like, you are like analyzing every single moment of like your last date, your last encounter, and you're like, oh, my gosh, I should have said that. And I really think that it's causing, like psychological harm for this, like dating culture that we're in, frankly, and I had to check myself personally because there's not really a handbook for ghosting. Like when is it considered ghosting? Right? Is it after your first day and you drop off? Is that considered ghosting? Is it after the first like couple texts exchanged and you don't respond? Like everybody has maybe a different threshold for me? I think if you have had in person dates, and you just drop off the face of the earth without explanation, like, that's kind of hurtful to me. I would say not even kind of it is I'm trying to like Korea unguarded, right? Like it's kinda hurtful, but it's a little hurt. Love it. It's funny that you say there's no handbook for the terms. But isn't it funny that everyone seems to know how to inherently ghost isn't that interesting? And we all just knew like, guilty like, absolutely right. Can you agree like okay, I've I've done it too. And I like this is a moment you I have to check myself and say like, Kristen, like, the whole like principle, whatever you believe in karma sowing and reaping however you want to do it. Like, am I putting out there what I want to receive at the end of the day, this person is a person. They're human. They have feelings. They sounds like a Dr. Seuss. person, no matter how small to one. Okay, we're back. We like you need to circle back to some of these like core like childhood lessons, honestly, because like we are all in this dating game, right? It's for better for worse. Single. Okay, yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. So yeah, all the singles in the room. Yeah, say I. And I think I had to check myself because I was thinking, how would I feel on the opposite end of this? You know, if the date didn't go, Well, I am thinking of one specifically that happened. It was like a COVID. Let's go for a walk and coffee kind of date. This happened like last summer, right? Nice guy had a really good conversation. Like, but it just wasn't there for me. Right? And I tried to take it off of the apps as soon as I can. So I can just have The in person experience, okay, that's really important to me to kind of like get it in person vibe. Makes sense. So, the next day, he texts me and he's like, Hey, I really enjoyed it. I would love to see you again. In like, in my heart, I know I'm like, I'm stuck with this like decision, right? Do I just like, not say anything? Because I have no really interest in seeing him again? Or do I just give the common courtesy of the honest truth. But you can do it in such like a tactful tasteful way. It doesn't have to be this like, yeah, give it to us. This is this is what the texts I sent personally, I mean, you can use it, this isn't a script. Okay. Yeah. I read your post, it was like, Hey, I had a really good time, I really enjoyed getting to know you and exploring this part of town where we went. I was getting more friend vibes from you. And then I said, But you know, I wish you the best, I hope, great things for you. And he responded back, he's he actually think he was like, thank you so much for being so honest. And I think that's our fear, too, right? It was for like, we're scared to send that and for them to be like, I You kidding me? I'm gonna like yell at us, or they're gonna be like, infuriated with rage or, or whatnot. And, like, the response was so encouraging to be able to do that again in the future. Right. So like, he was like, No, thank you so much for responding. Thanks so much for your time, thanks so much for you know, just even going out with me kind of that was the field. I love that. And, like, you can say whatever you want in this text message, it doesn't have to be this like, really long thing. It could be like, hanging on, I just feel like, you know, we're on different paths can be really honest. And say, you know, I just didn't get the same, the same vibe and feel. But I really appreciate your time I really honored like, I honor you as a person is what you're saying basically through this. Just very simple text. I see you as a person. I see this. I see you. Yeah, that's great. Right. That's such a good way to handle it. And you know, only do you start to realize that it's important after it's been done to you. Oh, isn't that the truth? Yeah. And that's what's so hard about it. And you know, there's this quote, I heard from Michael Hyatt, and he said, People can always accept a no, what they can't accept is a lack of response. And ever since I heard that, I was like, that's so convicting, because, because first off, if the only reason you can think of not talking to somebody, again, is because of physical attraction, then you better check yourself. Before you wreck yourself. There needs to be at least some other reason why you're like a, because that's why people get afraid. I think they're just like, I'm just not I'm trapped. And like, there should be something else there. Yes, sides that, that finalizes something like that. Now, my bad, and it's fair to say like, not everyone is going to be your person, like, and that's okay to have that honest moment with yourself to be like, Okay, this isn't my, this isn't the person I am today. But it's like, it's like connections out there. It's not there. And that's okay. It's not doesn't mean you're a bad person. And doesn't mean the other person, the bad person. This wasn't on a dating app. But this did. This is like my first ghosting experience. Okay, so now we're entering relationships in general. Yeah. Is that right? Yeah, this is just like my first experience with ghosting. And it was like, the catalyst to know like, Oh, when I get ghosted, or if this ever happens to me, I'm not going to act the way he acted. Yeah. Right. So I'm a flight attendant at the time I met this passenger on board. We ended up exchanging numbers. We go out in Atlanta, where I lived at the time, and then we go out a second time. So we had two dates. The end of the second date. He's like, I'll talk to you soon. Hug. Go leave. And like he said soon. Yeah. Like he said, I will talk to you soon. Right. So I'm like thinking in my head. Okay. I'll talk to him soon. I don't hear from him ever. Ever a long past at this point? I mean, that our second date was in like, it was like around Christmas time. So it was like December ish. And like, we're in January at this point. I'm like, Oh my gosh, like, you know, the whole spiral episode. And I remember praying, I said, Lord, I need closure. I need closure for this. And I feel like I'm not getting closure. Like I prayed for closure. Interesting. Okay. A couple weeks later, oh, I got one week later, I have this slight and I'm like, talking with the passengers as we're like doing drinks and stuff. And I'm like, oh, you know, a lot of you guys seem to know each other and they're like, Oh, we had a conference. You know? Look at the destination that we were just sat and I thought to myself like, huh, that guy went on a date worked for that same company. That's interesting. So I go to the front of the aircraft. And I take a look in first class. And he's seated in two to be or not to be. Definitely not to be at the moment. He was in my first class. Yeah, that guy went on the date. So yeah. He says, This is what I was like, Isn't my God. What do you here's my prayers, like, why would you do it? That is exactly what I'm thinking. And I just remember, I've explained this whole situation to a co worker, and she goes, like, she's like, girl, girl, I would just go to the back real quick and just like fresh, and I was like, Oh, my true friend would say that. Thank you so much. And I just like, you know, get the crusties out do a little like a landing lip on the front of the aircraft, and he sees me I see him and he thinks sleeping and he does like he does like not he does want to like these, like I'm fixedly big. And I'm like, Okay, real cool, right? So I tell the flight attendant, we like switch positions on the plane, I said, I'm going to hand out like the coats at the end of the flight because, um, we're going to have an encounter, we're gonna have a situation. So I'm handing out the coats handing out the codes and like, Thank you for flying with us, you know, and he sees me, I lock eyes with them. And I'm like, Oh, how you doing? It's good to see you sleeper McGann. He's looking at me like, please do not like call me out, like he's in. It's good to see you. And go back to the front of the aircraft were landed at this point. And he looks at me when he's like, leaving the aircraft. And he looks at me like dead in the eyes. And he's like, thank you. And like, basically, thank you for not calling me out like thank you for not making a fool of it. Because like, for me, in my head, I was like, he cannot see that I was affected by his lack of communication. I was like, so prideful, that I was like, he will not see that I lost sleep over that. Like, absolutely not. But for me, it was such like a reassuring moment. I was like this coward. He Well, yeah, cowered in his seat literally, in first class, like, embarrassed of his like, of his actions. And I'm thinking to myself, I was like, I don't want to, I don't want to do this to people. And this really sucks honestly, to like, have this done to me. Yeah. But I'm glad. Like, he obviously saw that I was doing just fine, because I made it seem that way. But I wanted to so badly to be like, How dare you not call me? Awesome. No, I just really wanted to be like, yeah, exactly. But I, you know, it was filled with take the high road pride and ego. And I said, you know, I'm a professional Christen for this landing lip on. Nobody can take me out right now. Right, exactly. 100%. So that was my first ghost experience. And I was like, you know, I really don't want to make people feel this way. I mean, I think that's a that's a great precedent you've set for yourself, but it sure does suck. You know, it's because because it puts you in this tension of like, man, do I respond? Yes. I think we're both saying yes, absolutely. Do not be the person. Because what you're hearing right now, the emotional baggage that someone carries for someone not actually telling them the root issue, because we're thinking about all the probably incorrect things that went wrong. Like, what I did the episode with Lou, I said, Honestly, if a guy said, I'm just not attracted to you, I would be like, oh, man, what how refreshing. Like, I'm not gonna lie and say that wouldn't be a little bit of like a stay a little bit. But I know what Alicia had the courage to tell me. Hello, at least you have an answer. Just to add some clarity. Yeah, you know, and some closure, and I have you do you know, Matthew Hussey? Are you familiar with him? Okay, so he talks a lot about how like, closure is overrated. He's like a relationship coach. He's really good. He's just well rounded as far as like communication goes and like giving, like, dating examples and just like how to function in 2021 as a single dating, or just like how to be a great communicator. He's Excellent. But he talks a lot about closure in a way that closure is like very much overrated. So if you are stuck in a situation where you're not getting answers from a ghost, and you're like, I really don't know what happened and I thought everything was going so well. I thought like we were hitting it off. Like your lack of answers is the closure. is what he said. Your response is the response. Sorry. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. That's tough to hear so good. Because like we I think the human condition is that we want to know, what's, what's wrong, what happened. But sometimes we don't get that luxury. And that lack of response is a response. And that sucks. So that's a breach to the ego for me personally. Yeah. You know, I really staying No, totally, but you're like, Okay, I think sometimes we have to take like the burden off of ourselves to like, maybe it had nothing to do with us at all, you know, I think back to certain situations, and I'm like, You know what, I don't have any regrets. In that situation, I presented my best self. I was honest and true to me. So that's a win on my behalf. And if he's ghosting, then that's on him. And that's all I can do at the end of the day. And as the great self says, maybe they really weren't ready for this jelly. You know, because my body to bootylicious. Yeah. For you, boy, here's the thing, we all try to grow together. That's why we're having this conversation, shoot. And it takes courage to be these people like that's, that is an attribute that I strive to be as like a courageous person. And like, Is it fun to send that text? No. Is it courageous? Yes, it is. Because like, nobody wants to be that person that let someone down or like, you know, is the reason why somebody's questioning themselves? Yes, No, exactly. So let me ask you this, then. Because I think we both concluded in our own right, that we kind of expect our expectation is just communicate with us. So one, when do you think or how do you discern whether your expectations are actually fair, or like, chill out, that's too much. So I think a lot of the times like why we're hurt by like certain ghosting situations or like just relationships in general is because we create this person in our head, it can be expectations of who this other person is. So when I said like, I tried to meet the person off of offline as soon as possible is because the more time I found this true to be with myself, the more time I am spent texting them, or Okay, who's gonna be honest, Facebook, stalking them LinkedIn stalking. I fall into like this like rabbit hole of like creating this persona in my head of this person. And like you start having these like, expectations of them. So like, say you meet them. So you go on a few dates. And then you start having like, you create this reality is based on potential and not really on their actions and what they're what they're saying what they're doing. So how do you manage those expectations is not like projecting this whole entire person of how you fit them into your life, and how you see them that actually like taking them for face value. So like, listening to what they're saying, like I think of the the hitch scene, or like hitch and our Brennaman. He's like, listen and respond. And Albert Brennaman, he's like, listen and respond, listen to respond. So listen to what they're saying, if they're telling you, I'm not looking for a relationship, but oh my gosh, listen to that and respond. I'm talking to myself here because I have heard a guy said, I am not ready for a relationship. And here I am looking for a relationship. And I'm like, Oh, my gosh, well, he doesn't know me yet. Like, he doesn't like change his mind. We will grow into that I am here for the long run, like, you know what I'm saying? So like, know, if he's telling the truth, like, listen to those things. And that's really, that's really tough. So listen to respond. So if you're, you're listening to, hey, I'm not ready for a relationship, my response is going to be like, You know what, that's actually what I'm looking for. And I just don't know if this is going to pan out the way, you know. Okay, that's totally fine. And it's okay to tell someone that to, like, eat on a cat Harris episode, she was talking about how to just tell the truth. And if you're like, if nothing else, just be like, hey, like, based upon what I'm looking for. I don't think we were the most compatible in that regard. But that doesn't mean I didn't have an amazing time with you. And I respect you so much as a human being. Yes. Yeah. And I'm just like, Yes, man, that's, that's a win. Because if you if you can speak to how much a person made you feel, even if it wasn't in a romantic way, and also show that you respect them. That's amazing. Oh, yeah. And I think like even earlier in my like dating experience, I used to be like, very much a people pleaser, and let me explain that. I would want them to like me so much. I wasn't concerned about even if I liked them. So I would be like, Oh my gosh, I need them to like me, I need them to be like obsessed with me, I need them to, like, want me Want Me want me that I wasn't dating, to see if it was even a compatible fit for the both of us I was dating so that they would like me. That's part of dating, I think that you really need to, like, hone in for yourself and think like, do I even enjoy this person's company? Do I even enjoy spending time with this person? So before COVID hit, I was a recruiter with the airlines, I was interviewing flight attendants to be a flight attendant. And part of that, that I learned so much in that job role was, this is a fit for both of us. So it's a fit for you. But it's also a fit for me, you know, so this isn't an I actually translate. I translate that into dating great to be like, this is a fit for both of us. So if it's not a fit, it's not a failure. And it's not, it's not a complete lot. And as Easons our Modern Romance. If you ever read it, you should I highly suggest it for singles, I highly suggest for anybody who's dating, it's excellent. But he talks about how like the first date isn't even really the first date. It's like to see if you even want to like go on a date there. We put all this pressure on, like a first day that like, oh my gosh, I have to look right. Like, we have to keep the conversation flowing has to great like, but it's really just to find out if you want to be on a second date. And hey, if it's not a fit for both of us, like, it's not a big deal. Yes. You know, like, you're cool people on cool people. It's just not, it's just not good fit, but it becomes a big deal. If you don't address it. Yeah, there it is. It does. And that's like where ego can come into place. For me, especially with that situation and to like, drop the ego, like Chris and not, you're not gonna be everyone's cup of tea. Okay, like, Get over yourself. Okay, like, and that's okay. Like, you really just have to come to that. That realization, at least for me with myself to be like, you're not for everybody. And that's actually a good thing. Oh, that's the Yes. You know? Absolutely. Like, if you were everyone's cup of tea, you would be vanilla ice cream, I guess. And like, that's kind of like boring. Like, I'm very much like, a rocky road. Okay. There's, there's a target audience and target demographic for everybody. That's the truth. And you know, what they say about how building building businesses now and building anything, they're like, You need to niche down? Yeah, a very specific set. And it's like the same with dating like, no, your prerogative and your parameters shouldn't be like, they need to be six, five to 20. You know, but you should own I don't think you should, there should be three and a half billion people fighting for you. It should be like, there's like 10,000 people that I'm compatible with. And I know I'm gonna find one. I need just one. We don't need all we don't need the 1000. Yeah, we're looking for the 700. Why? Exactly. So it's like it's a good thing to have a niche market. That's what we should retitle is how to find your niche market in the dating scene. That's it. That's a you need to make up your mind. First off, we're talking about ghosting unmet expectations. Now, we've been talking about dating this whole time. But you know what? We're covering it. We need to talk about relationships in general that aren't dating, for instance, tell people about your experience in Atlanta. Yeah, I mean, I'm not a southern girl at heart. So like, no hate, no hate to the southern Belles out there, like if that's your town, like represent absolutely all the way born and raised in Pittsburgh, went down to Atlanta for the job, and was based there for three years. And it just wasn't for me. I learned that very fast. And like, granted, I had a job that was constantly travel and like my off days would be like a random like Tuesday, Wednesday, mid week. So like, it wasn't like weekends off where you could just like go and like meet people your age. Like, you know, I'm going to target on like Tuesday at 3pm. Like, it's not exactly young, central there. But for me, I was like really trying to make that into a community for for myself, I wanted to make the most of that experience. So I would join small groups. I joined like a Run Club. I tried to get involved as much as possible to make friends and to really like make that experience something and I just felt like this was it sticking so people would have a really cool conversation and you would click automatically but then they wouldn't want to really follow through. So it'd be like, Oh my gosh, yeah, like let's, let's do lunch on, you know, on my Tuesday, then I'm off and they'd be like, Yes, I'm so down. Like, let's do it. Here's my number Baba, whatever. And then Tuesday rolls around. And, and like nothing and or the day prior, you're trying to like make plans and like nothing and it's like, okay, like what? Like I get it like, if you just don't want to hang, that's fine if you came across is that like I have enough friends? Like I'm doing good. These, this is just like a nicety. Kind of this is a consistent thing that Yeah, yeah, it felt like it. We're looking at you. Yes, you were the target of a town, the suggestion box. And like maybe I was actually telling a lot of people this and they're like, well, here in Atlanta, like a lot of people that grew up here, stay here, and they kind of already have their friend groups. And I'm like, I get that. But like, don't say, Let's go to lunch, then don't say that. That's what I'm saying. I'm like, just be like, just be real. In that sense. If you feel like, feel like I got enough going on, like, I don't need any more friends. I won't be hurt or just say Great meeting you. Yeah, it was really great meeting you. Yeah. You don't have to. You're awesome. Best of luck. We don't have to drop exchanged numbers, Facebook, Instagram. No, we could just like, yeah, it was great to meet you. You know, two things on that. Because for me, and my friends all know this. If you put an idea in my head, it's done. Like it's happening. It's done. Especially when people talk about trips. I'm like, mentally, I've already created space for this moment. Yes. If you cancel, I'm, I'm crushed. I'm emotionally crushed. Because I'm already invested in and I don't know, if I'm a wacko, and if all people are not like that, but but that's the thing for me. So let's just set the record straight. Right, right now, let your yes be yes. And let your no be No. And so good. Know that every interaction you have with a person, if you are potentially inviting them into your space, you need to actually follow through on that. Because there are people's emotions on the line. As a result of that. I used to be that person where I'm like, let's grab lunch, like, especially in college, and then they see you everywhere. Yeah. And you're like, Oh, hey, right? Why did they do that? Why are you making an uncomfortable situation for yourself? And for that person? Why would I do that? And then like, in turn, like, I'm sure this wasn't your intention, but this person is like, is a little bit traumatized to make new friendships, because they're thinking, Oh, my gosh, everyone is fake. And no one really cares to like, create true friendship community, whatever, correct. So yeah, what why are we afraid to do that? Like, what would be the harm and saying, Oh, my gosh, you sound like a really cool person. I hope Atlanta is everything you wanted? And more. Yes, exactly. And have a great night. Exactly. And may or may not have intended for it. But I didn't intend for it not by doing so. Yeah. So it's like that your your lack of response is a response kind of says, you know, everything that you are saying no to is a yes, it's a big as we just talked about before this, and vice versa. Like, we all need, this is a call to action for all of us. Well, we all need to be so smart about what we're saying. And actually be people who people can look to as like, they're always there. I know, when they tell me something, they're always going to be there for me, because they've already proven it. And that's what we need more of that authenticity, I really think you wouldn't value that much, I wouldn't value it as much if I didn't go through it. And if I wasn't that, if I was, you know, on the opposite end of that, or if I was that person in which I have been the person who just really isn't trying to be Malicious or bad, intense is just trying to be nice. But again, like you said, having no intention behind that ending part of the conversation, you know, and I'm glad we both went through those situations, you know, because these things happen so we can learn from them. Like, every life experience really is like, cultivated and culminated to make us grow and it's up to us to like pick out those little pieces to say like, is this moment just going to pass by or am I going to learn from this? Because at the end of the day, like I'm very much a person that like take stock because I gotta look myself in the face in the mirror and I have to sleep at night knowing like, Hey, am I doing everything I can to be the best version of myself like I think it's so important to take stock and yourself in like you by you doing that that's like speaks volume of like you and your character. And I think people your listeners who are there are people of character and they want to be better and do better and I think it's a call and a challenge for for all of us. Yeah. So basically our our takeaways for this episode are don't go as people no follow through his tag even if it's Hey, now that's a word is tacky. And it just validates every concern that a person had when you don't follow through. Can I just say that? Like they're like that, that that was it? Because I was just ghosted a couple of weeks ago, like we were in very constant tight communication all the sudden was full. Yeah. And how that feels. All terrible. Yeah, absolutely. And it's not fun and like, I'm sure you going forward, you're, you're thinking, Okay, I'm never going to do that to a person but like, I would like some closure. But circling back to everything we talked about, okay? Even if I don't get it, the lack of closure is the answer. Yes. And I'm not going to put it on me and beat myself up over it because I was true to myself in that situation. I was honest. I was real. I was who I am. Yeah, I'm learning from moving forward. And your country, your what you're putting into your dating life, I believe is what you're gonna get out of it. So if you're putting in honest, true communication, I think you're gonna get that back in return. So good. And sowing, reaping, man. That's what it is. Yeah. And like the whole thing about ghosting is like, I have literally never met someone who's been ghosted. That wasn't hurt by it. Yeah. So it's good. You are hurting somebody whether they tell you to your face or not. Yeah, it hurts. I doubt. It's like the like, silly like honesty's the best policy. But even if it's painful, it's less painful. Then you just realize, hmm, I wish I could get some like first start and then. And then that's it. We just end it right there. That was really good. I think it was good. I think it flowed really well. I think it was all cool. I'm keeping this in right now. Giving feedback to her. Like, what do you think? Okay, I mean, if they didn't like it, they're gonna leave a one star review. Yeah. But if it's just sorry, it just wasn't for them. Hey, we gave them the tools if they wanted to go elsewhere. But yes. And you know, what empowered if they leave a one star review, at least they didn't go since they gave us feedback. Oh, that's it. Oh, got it. I know, at the end of the episode, we actually kind of discussed some of our takeaways, as we recap, but just a few more that stood out to me in this episode one when Kristen said, if it's not a fit, it's not a failure, guys, it's okay. Not everybody is going to fit with our vibes, you know what I'm saying? Totally fine. And along with that, we discussed how you're not for everybody. And that's actually a good thing. Because that actually means you have a lot of value because you are not like everybody else. You are you. And that's a gift. And then at the end how we said Let your Yes be Yes. And your no be No, I want us to all walk away with that challenge. I know I was myself and really just sticking to that in every relationship. So I hope this episode gave you some tools that you can take with you put in your back pocket and utilize in dating, friendships, family, the like, the goal here is to build really deep relationships. I want to know your takeaways. So hit me with them DM me at XO Asher on Instagram, or at accidentally intentional because guys, I really want to have a conversation. We are actually all in this together. And if you enjoyed this one, please feel free to subscribe or share with someone or rate and review all three of those things help us get the message, the word and the passion and mission of this podcast out to other people. The next episode is going to be incredible, challenging, powerful, and really healing. I feel like for a lot of people as well. I'm talking to a friend who is currently battling stage four, ovarian cancer and what you're about to hear in this conversation next time is someone who is filled with hope, and who has a victorious mindset about all of it. So no matter what you are going through in life, whatever challenge trial, and just overall difficult experience you may be going through, I feel like you are really going to benefit and love the conversation. So make sure you are subscribed so that you will be the first to get that in two weeks. Guys. I love you so much. I love doing this journey with you. And hey, let's continue to have conversations that build us if you enjoy this episode and are currently going through the dating season in life. Or maybe you are single right now and just want to be encouraged in your singleness, then I think you're gonna really enjoy this conversation. It's actually two part series. This is part one that I did with my friend Lou Phillips. It's our most popular episode to date. And I feel like you may very well love it. So click there, and I'll see you in the next episode.