I'm excited for you to hear today's episode because I brought in one of my friends Amy Mazzeo, formerly Amy Colella, in case that name rings a bell for you, if you were really into YouTube covers in 2008, you definitely recognize her name because Amy achieved a ton of early success and attention on YouTube, which led to, well, a wild story that you're going to hear shortly. And I am so honored because Amy has decided to give us the opportunity to actually share for the first time, her untold story about what she went through between ages 15 and 18 in her life, and the journey that changed her life forever. And obviously, the topic we're talking about today is how to move forward when the door shuts on your dream. And I can't think of a better person with a better story to share than Amy. So I'm pumped. But to give you more context, she shares a little bit about our friendship right at the beginning of the episode. And, and basically, when I was in high school, I had this huge passion for becoming an actual genuine, authentic friend, to celebrities or people in the public eye because I just kept getting so heartbroken. Seeing all teen idols and pop stars just having these terrible collapses, right. And I just had this passionate desire that I want to love on people in the entertainment industry and be that person that always shows up always encourages them. And lets them know they're not alone. And they're super loved. So I found out in high school, that Amy was going through this crazy time in her life. And I was like, Oh my gosh, maybe I can be that friend to her. So. So that gives you more context as to how we became friends. We're still friends over a decade later. And she's one of those people where you cannot talk for a year and you just pick up right where you left off. And man, her heart is so pure and so incredible. And you're going to hear her process and speak about things for the first time ever. So this is a different conversation, because there's a lot of parts where the questions asked and answer isn't given because it's happening right then and there. And I love the rawness of it. And I hope you will, too. So without further ado, let's hit it. Here's my conversation with Amy Mazzeo, on how to move forward when the door shuts on your dream, guys, what's up? Welcome to another accidentally intentional podcast episode. And I'm really pumped about today's because we have a celebrity in the house. And this is actually a funny story, because this is kind of how Amy and I met because I was fangirling her true story. She's going to explain it. But Amy, we've known each other for over a decade. Yeah. Which is pretty crazy how time flies when you're getting old. But no, Amy has a wild story. And today we're going to be talking about I don't know what I'm going to title it, but basically how to navigate how to move forward when the door is shut on your dream. And she had a crazy dream. And this is a crazy story. And I can't wait for you to hear it. Because Amy is incredible. And I think you're going to inspire and encourage a lot of people today. So let's get into it. So first off, would you like to tell anybody about how I met you? Or how we first met? I was wondering if you were gonna bring it up? No, you can do, you can do it. Okay, I actually just went back and read these messages recently did so I feel like we should just insert a little screengrab or something. Word because it was a paragraph that you sent me. I didn't read it because it happened with someone else too, that I became friends with later on at that point. And she was harboring almost this unforgiveness with me about saying you never answered my message. And then I ended up meeting her in person. And I'm thinking I didn't even know you message me. And then I went back and found these messages. So it's probably around the same time I found your message and then saw it and responded to you. And yeah, I mean, you just laid it all out there about what did I say? It was, how proud you were of me, and just how amazing everything that I was doing and but then to not let it get to my head. And Hollywood. Yeah. So basically, whenever I was like in high school, and in college, my biggest passion was to love on people in the entertainment industry. So Amy was well you're going to hear what she was like climbing. What looks like the ladder to stardom. So I was like, Oh my gosh, this girl's gonna be famous. This is my opportunity to get to love a celebrity in Hollywood. And we lived Half an hour away from each other. That's true. Yeah. And then we'd like became friends, and I met you in real life. And I was like, Oh my gosh, and we went to the same journey. Yeah, that's that's how we met. But we hadn't seen each other in church until like, after message happened or boss. We didn't recognize each other. Right? And then, for some reason, you're like, Okay, I'll be friends. If you went to Subway. You came to your weirdest Hangouts. Did we not? Yep. The annual. Yeah, that's, that's our joke is that we see each other like once a year and spend six to 10 hours. And this is, this is what's happening today. So we've been talking for three hours, then we're like, oh, we should turn on the, the episode. Okay. Anyways. So, Amy, tell everybody what happened when you were 1715 was when it started. Teen. Wow. Okay, so I kept thinking, Am I gonna cry as I tell this, because I'm loving tears about this so much, though, that this is the I've never gotten to share the story. Because I've been constantly brushing it over for so many years. So, okay, long story short, when I was 15 years old, I started singing on YouTube. This started because when I was in sixth grade, I remember this kid telling me that we hear ourselves differently than people hear us. So if you record your voice, you actually find out how you how you sound. Yes. So I was a closet singer is how I call myself. Nobody knew that I sang. And I started recording myself thinking, I wonder how I actually sound? How I ended up posting videos on YouTube. I don't know it happened. And it's crazy that it happened. So I started posting videos on YouTube, I started getting views. And at this point, this is 2008 Summer of 2008. So we have Bieber on YouTube, who was not discovered yet we have the rise of people singing on YouTube and covering songs on YouTube. It wasn't YouTube that we know today. Yeah. So I posted it just to post it and was not expecting or prepared for what was going to happen after that. I was not looking for anything well, so I start singing on YouTube and someone messages me on YouTube and says, Hey, there's this Miley Cyrus contest that you should enter. It's on her fan site. So they sent it's called Are You a superstar? You should enter it. So I said okay, and I went to the website, you have to pay $30 a month to join her fan site. So I joined a fan site, uploaded this video. It was a 62nd clip. It was probably in October of 2008. So then fast forward, spring of 2009. My mom gets this email from Miley world. Are you a superstar contest? And they said, Here is the top 50 contestants for the reo superstar contest. My maiden name is Colella. My username was a Colella and it was the first on the list because it was an alphabetical order. Otherwise, she would have just scrolled past it and not even recognized it first on the list in the top 50. So then comes another two years of a top 50 A top 40. Top 30 That's funny a top 10 A top eight top 654321. And what what's happening through this time, you're you're submitting their direct, it's like American Idol online. Okay. Yes. So it's essentially American Idol online, submitting all these videos super stressful. It was not really fun thinking about it just because my family dynamic at that time was more chaotic. And so I had this dream that I'm chasing, and then I'm in there was so many things that were paralleling what was actually happening, but yeah, I ended up winning. And well, hold on, hold on. Okay, so this is a two year process. And you are recording videos on your phone. What are you What are you doing Sony Cybershot camera? Okay. And you are sitting with your guitar, sing a song, acoustic? Just, yeah, month after month, as you continue moving through this contest. Yeah. So how did you go from? I was a closet singer to I have the confidence to enter this competition to Okay, actually, I do want to be a superstar take me through that. I don't think I was confident at all. So I actually grew up with a best friend that was beautifully trained in musical theater. And she was just so amazing. And I lived in her shadows in a way that she was always with the spotlight and she deserved the spotlight and she was so amazing, but this was the secret little thing that I did. She was actually one of the people in my life that told me I could sing. And I believed her because of how amazing she was. Well, but it wasn't something I thought was realistic. And I do remember being little and people asking, like, what do you want to be when you grow up? And I would think I want to sing, but I never said it because I thought that's insane. Because I sang in my bathroom, and I think in my shower, so then whenever I started seeing you on YouTube, I think it opened up this door of possibility in the way of thinking, Oh, my goodness, this could actually happen. This could actually happened. So you would say that it was probably a dream that you're like, yeah, that'd be the best thing ever. But I know it's not gonna happen, right? Until this opportunity happened. Right. Okay. What was it that made you submit for it? I think at one point, I went and looked back for that message, when I was still actively on YouTube, because I wanted to thank the person that had messaged me. And I just was thinking, Oh, my goodness, what if it was an angel that messaged me seriously, that was what I was thinking because it was like something. So random, was the only way for me to do it. Because I would have never done it on my own. So it was just this random person. And I, I honestly, don't know. Like, it was just something I did. And then I forgot about it. Because it was such a long time in between everything that happened. And it seems like people, other people were pivotal for you, because where you were maybe lacking the confidence. It was other people seeing your potential that you're like, that's all I need to move forward. Yeah. And at least try. So she just casually is like, yeah, so I won the competition. What did that mean? You won Miley Cyrus's? Are you a superstar competition? What was the prize? Or what? What did they say the prize was going to be? Yeah. So they said the prize was going to be a record deal. With I guess it would have been with Miley. Okay. I mean, I think that's the part of it, too, is I was 15. Whenever I entered the contest, she was also 15. So she's only six months older than me. Okay. So in her life to looking at her life from 15 years old to 18 years old, so much changed that we're in Disney. Gone, blah, blah, blah. Crazy. Yours, right? Yes, that was when things started to happen. To make this clear, you won a recording contract with Miley Cyrus's label or brand? Yes. Okay. It was her name. But I don't even think they had established what it was going to look like. Okay. I don't think it was something that she said I want to do this. It was something her people probably said, we are going to do this. Because then this was around the time that Bieber is being mentored by Usher. And people are being discovered on line. Got it. Okay. So that was going to be the opportunity. Right? What happened? No, I still don't know. No, I'm just kidding. I kind of do. So usually, whenever people ask me, or it comes up in conversation, and we just had this happen with your brother, your younger one of your younger brothers that did not know about it. Yep. So in my life, I have people that were there during that time period. And then I have people that have no idea that this was a huge part of my life. I have people that don't even know that I sing. Because I really don't anymore, honestly. But so usually when I say oh, yeah, I was in this contest when I was 15 years old. And I won this record deal with Miley Cyrus and oh, yeah, it was a two year long process. And yeah, that was it. Like I just brushed over it so fast as if it is not an accomplishment because of how everything kind of folded in on itself. So what ended up happening is the contest took two years in total. And then it was another two years before they actually sent me a contract and said, Hey, we gave you the prize is what they said. But this isn't this is it? What what's given the prize mean? Yeah, so when I was 17, so it must have been April of 2010. I went out to LA and got to meet Miley, and I recorded a song in her studio, which was amazing. But the problem with this part of it, I think about this a lot because I had some people on YouTube telling me, that's my dream you that was my dream that you met Miley Cyrus. I'm so jealous that you met Miley Cyrus, that's my biggest dream to meet her. But for me, the dream wasn't to meet her. The dream was to work with her the dream was to have a record deal. The dream was to have a singing career that I was promised. So then I felt this backwards guilt of I'm not allowed to feel guilty about this. I'm not allowed to feel sad about this because this was somebody's dream. Well Meet her. Well, I got to meet her. And so I'm ungrateful because I got to meet her. But that's not what was promised. So I was out in LA and they, I was in the studio with her and recorded with her and her paparazzi drove my dad and I around town. It was so strange. It was strange, we had no money, and they like put us in a hotel. And then they were just driving us around. And we were kind of fumbling through what we were going to do, because we were still paying for things. And then, about a year later, they took me down to Nashville. And I got to write with two guys, one of them wrote the climb. And another one worked with Rascal Flatts and all these names, and I got to write two songs with them. It was great. But again, we had no money. So I'm in Nashville with my mom, and we're calling home trying to transfer money from savings because they weren't really paying for anything. Wow. And then six months after that is when they sent a contract. And they said, Hey, we got you to record three of these songs. And that was basically it. What the contract you had assigned for submit, saying you wrote three songs, but they gotta pay you what did that mean? No, it was, it was it was basically we fulfilled a promise to give you x. And although it was changed, we still gave you something. Is that correct? Yes. Wow. Yeah. So this is four years of your life, four years of my life. So are you 19 At this point, when it's finally, I was 18. At whenever? So it was almost four years whenever? Well, it was. Yeah, about that time. And I think it's safe to say this altered your life? Absolutely. You went from what looked like the pinnacle, you're living everybody's dream. And then it gets ripped away from you. How did you process that? Like, what did you feel? Yeah, sometimes I still don't feel like I let myself process it. I was processing, so many different people around me is emotions about it, that I think I let myself get suppressed. So I mean, the parallel that was going on during this contest is my parents were in the middle of separating. So after we got that contract, my parents had decided to separate about two or three months after that. So in my mind, during this contest, I'm thinking, Oh, my goodness, this means everything for my family, this is, everything is relying on this, what if I get this and I start making money, and I'm a singer, and then I can buy their house and do this stuff. And it was almost like this complex of I'm gonna save their marriage in the process. So when everything didn't happen, my dad wanted to sue at one point. And I did not want to be known as the girl that tried to sue Miley Cyrus, because as much as they could say, Oh, it'll be swept under the rug. I still didn't believe that. And then also, I still had those couple of comments in my head saying, that was my dream to meet her, you got to meet her. So it was diminishing what was actually supposed to be given to me. And then whenever the contract came in, it was like, we were just done fighting for everything. So there was a time when I thought I could sue, I want to sue about this. And then my dad didn't want to sue. So we were never on the same page with it. And I think at that point, it was just so exhausting, that it was better for it to be over. But then of course, at that point, too, I'm 18 Turning 19 All my friends are going away to school. I didn't take the SATs, I didn't take the AC T's. I didn't take anything to prepare for college, because I'm thinking that this is going to happen. So then I essentially just started working random part time jobs at this point. YouTube, I mean, now people are making millions of dollars being YouTubers. Yeah. And that just wasn't the case then. So I didn't know Oh, my goodness, if I keep singing on here, maybe another opportunity will come out of this. Because even during that years of waiting, I had people contacting me, Hey, can I be your manager? Hey, I would love to manage you, hey, I want to work with you. But because of all this stuff with the contest over here, it was a conflict. And I couldn't say yes to them because of this all still looming, because every week they were telling me hey, it's gonna happen. It's gonna happen. Hey, it's gonna happen. We're in contact with my Lockington Yeah, it's gonna happen. Wow. So it seems like you weren't not allowed. You were not able or capable of processing because it was all happening at the speed of light. Right? Yeah. At the pace of a tortoise at the same time. Yes. So and the emotional toll that this took as well. So if you could summarize this experience What's the first word that comes to mind? That you're like? Yep, this is what it was, you know, pain camp? No, I had a feeling that you would say something along those lines. So pain. What caused the pain? Was it the the part that you had all these dreams dashed? Different aspects of it? I think I've wanted it so bad. And then everyone around me. I felt like I was letting them down. I mean, this is to the point that me going to my six month orthodontist, or dentist appointment, everybody was asking, hey, whatever happened with that context, he will never happen if I'm running into random people, hey, whatever happened, whatever happened with that contest, whatever happened, and at this point, I had no answers. So it's crazy for me, because for so long, I was running from it. Because I didn't have any explanation, because they didn't really give me one. And then I think that aspect of not being able to move on from it because I did win. Whereas other girls in the contest didn't win, and then they're able to move on. So because I was in this limbo of waiting for another two year period, after that, I think, what would I have done differently? If I didn't win? What I've stopped, I still might have, you know, I still might have just put my guitar down and thought, Okay, that was it. Or I would have started working at YouTube. But because I had this opportunity still looming for so long. It was kind of a different process. Looking back on it. What would you say, this experience stole from you? Based on what you're saying? There's a lot of grief that you've had to go through. Yeah, in waves. You know, I don't really feel like I got anything stolen from me. That's awesome. I just wish it ended differently. I think the hardest part about it was there not being closure, because they sent me this contract. But it's still Oh, my goodness, the last four years of my life. I've been dedicated to this. Yeah. Now what? And I still have no answers. And throughout the years, I've been able to piece things together. I mean, I had a friend that was friends with one of my legs, background singers, and she's talking about what was going on in my life at this point. And I'm thinking, okay, maybe that's what was happening. And that's why, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But I think it was the lack of answers. That was stolen, because there was never any adequate closure for me to move on from it. It's almost like you your life was on hold Exactly. under someone else's control. Right? Yeah. So that I was unable to move on, even when people were contacting me and saying, Hey, let's do this, Hey, let's do this. Let's do this. Well, you said at the beginning that you don't really sing anymore. And this was a major part of your life. Yeah. Why don't you sing anymore? Why I don't. It's funny, because every maybe three months or something, I'll pick up my guitar and I'll go, wow, I need to do this more. Love this. And I'm reminded of when I was 15 years old, and all he wanted to do was sing. But I think the short answer is life happened. I started working. And there's not as much time to pursue this creative calling that isn't paying the bills. I think as well. My mom would always say, sometimes you have to let your dreams die before God and then you can pick them back up again, when it looks different. And I think about that a lot just because for me, I mean, I was 1516 years old 1718 If I think about myself moving out to LA freshly 18 no spiritual covering. I'm just being mentored by Miley or whatever else is going on in LA at the time, just vulnerable. Sounds like totally vulnerable. Where would I be right now? So I think for so many years, I was fixated on the what ifs of it. And then I started to think about it and that different from a different angle and think but what if it did happen? And where would I be now? But then for me personally at the time, I think I was so it immersed in how I felt like I had let everybody else down. It was like there was no point for me to sing anymore. While so a lot of it was wrapped in the emotions of others. Right? Going going back to that why do you think it meant so much to you the other people message saying you're living my dream. Why did that strike a nerve? I didn't think I deserved it. I never did. So then I'm being told that you're living out my dream. But it wasn't even the singing part. It was just meeting her meeting a celebrity. And so then I just felt guilty. And I think I probably felt like I wasted it, I wasted an opportunity. I should have kept going, I should have gotten back on YouTube or done this or whatever. And then, of course, at the same time, so when I, the summer, I was 18, I got that contract in the mail. And then my parents decided to separate and then I got into a really horrific car accident, and I had a sprained neck. And then we moved out of my childhood home, my mom, brother and I, and we moved into a small apartment, where when I would sing, there would be neighbors that were pounding on the door in the walls to get me to essentially shut up. So there was all of that stuff that was also happening at the same time that was kind of traumatized. Yeah, I think it's a different kind of trauma, because it just became harder to sing than it used to be sure. Yeah. And it's almost validating any any, not excuses, but fears you have. It's like Upsy. No, it is happening. Wow, now that you're 10 years removed from this, what would you say? to 16 year old Amy in the middle of this? What do you wish you had? No. I actually wrote a song to my 17 year old self. Last year, I turned 27. And I wrote a song to my 17 year old self. So in the song, I'm going through, following my dreams, and then by the end of it, how different it looks now. But that it's better than I was imagining, then I would probably tell her. And I don't even want to say it out loud. Because I that's just what was going to make me cry. And so it was avoiding it. But just to say that it you were good enough, and it wasn't your fault. Well, you're gonna make me cry with that. One, you validated your own worth, when at that time it was dependent upon what how other people saw you and perceived you. And right before that, you said that everything worked out better than you could have imagined. Yeah. What do you mean by that? I mean, this, you're not living this life anymore. This was your big dream. How did? How did you move on? Yeah, so the biggest thing is my husband, because when I think about where it would be now, if everything happened the way I had intended for it to happen, which would have been either me moving out to LA or me moving to Nashville, and I was just telling you, my plan was to move down to Nashville, meet my husband and get married at 28. And I was living the Nashville Dream, which I'm only turning 28 In April of this year. So I've been married for two years. Look at this girl. It's crazy. But that was not my plan. I was not trying to get married than even whenever I met him. But he was actually looking to be a boxer when he was a teenager. So at the same time, he's pursuing boxing, we didn't know each other and I'm pursuing music. We talked about what would have happened if he went on to be a boxer and I went on to be a singer, what our paths have crossed, probably not so. So either, we would have met other people, or maybe we would have met in Hollywood at one point. And the chances of us actually having the relationship that we do now. Probably non existent. I mean, really, the chances of that happening? Yeah. So in the song that I wrote to my 17 year old self, it's kind of about that journey and how I'm chasing my dreams, and I'm following my dreams. And then I ended up with this, which is better than the fairy tales that I was watching when I was younger. And so anytime I go back on a reminiscing, what if and I think, well, what if I lost or what if I at least kept uploading on YouTube? Because that is one regret I have is not maintaining the YouTube channel. But even then, a lot of YouTubers went up and moved out to LA. So what if all of that happened, and I'm entertaining these thoughts, and then I have my husband sitting next to me, and he realistically wouldn't be there. So that's such a good perspective. I'm guessing that there's somebody listening to this, who is thinking of a moment when similarly a big dream they had, they were so close to getting and then it slammed in their face. And it's bringing back a lot of pain for them and a lot of grief probably due to What would you say to that person? I would say to deal with the pain. Okay? Don't unpack. Yeah, yes, don't let years go by, without acknowledging what happened, even to the best of your ability. So for me, I didn't have all the answers, I still don't have all the answers to what happened. But there was so much that was suppressed because I was trying to save face for the people around me. So I would definitely say to acknowledge the pain and acknowledge the hard aspects of it. But then to question why you're doing it in the first place. Because for me, I just wanted to sing. And it was the best thing ever, just being able to sit in my room and sing and play my guitar. But then when it turned into this thing, that Oh, I have to reach this, or I have to look like this or it has to be like this. It morphed into something that wasn't actually my dream anymore, even though I thought it was because that was the only way that it was going to happen. So I would acknowledge the pain and then acknowledge the dream in that aspect and say, Is this something that you still want to do? Is this something that you feel called to do? And then what stopping you? Is it the pain? Is it the insecurity? Is it the doubt about? Well, what if it doesn't look the way that I thought it was going to look, or what's more important in that aspect? So, so grieving, it is giving you space to grieve is what you're saying. And the other thing you said was to make sure the reason why you're doing it is is important, right? How can someone make sure it's the right reason? Or what would be a good reason to stop? For me, it's peace, the peace of God, I always think about this aspect that I believe God gives us our dreams. So we think they are crazy. We think they are unrealistic, or whatever we the way we talk about our dreams. But why would he give us that if we weren't supposed to pursue it in some way? You better preach girl. So then it just goes into that aspect as well of is it something that is glorifying Him or that would be glorifying him? I did not understand what that looks like when I was 17 years old. And now it's a different perspective. I don't feel like I'm singing for me anymore. Yeah, so let me challenge you in that area, right? Because there's someone who's, who's probably listening to this. And it's like, okay, well, you said you're not singing anymore. But like, God gave you the talent to sing. So why, why aren't you? Exactly? They're coming at you with that? That neck roll, too, right. I. So when you asked me to do this podcast, I started thinking about it a lot. Because I was just thinking about this story that I have and how for 10 years, I've had this Miley story and this YouTube story, and then this contract happened and I wasn't allowed to talk about it. And now I'm thinking, Okay, it's been 10 years, I'm sure that her people don't it's a blip on their radar, I can talk about this, I should be able to talk about Yes. But it was also holding me back in more ways than I think I've recognized. And as I've been thinking about it, even in just having this conversation about it. I'm realizing, Oh, my goodness, there's aspects of it, that did hinder me, but I also let it hinder me even more. So it's like they gave me chains. And I might have put them on myself at one point because I didn't recognize the difference. So yeah, I mean, I think about YouTube all the time and think about getting back on YouTube, I think about what that would look like. And then I think, oh, no, what if people don't care? There's so many people on YouTube singing or this or that? And then I have to shift it back to okay, but do I love to sing still? It looks different. Now. What if they don't care? And what if they don't care? Yeah. Do I still want to do it? Or what does that look like and having to almost reprogram it? In my mind? Yes. I think to at that time, there was so much competition with people getting equipment, and they're getting like these fancy cameras and lighting and all these things. And I felt compelled to try to compete with that, but I didn't have the resources to do it. So then I would upload a video and I would just be sitting there playing my guitar and I would get comments and they'd say, I love how organic This isn't that you're just sitting here and you're playing and it's not the fancy editing and the equipment and all this stuff. Yet I still was feeling this pressure to do what they want. doing and how they were doing it. And so then I would let that perfectionist fear hinder me from doing anything. Okay, that right there. My heart is racing because I'm like, girl, you better tell them. Because First off, let me just pause right now and say that like, you cannot let what you don't have stop you because you already have everything you need right there to start. Like I tell everybody, I started this podcast using my iPhone. That's it. I didn't have a camera. I didn't have a mic. I didn't have a lighting set at the time. Like, it's all coming slowly but surely. But this isn't some crazy 4k camera. It's a GoPro, okay, because I'm using what I have. So that's a perfect example is your different because of that, because you are already going where 99% of people have it. And that's taking a step. Even if you don't feel like you have what it takes literally and figuratively. Well, yes, I want to go back to your comment about God giving us dreams, because this episode is about the door shutting on your dream. So can you unpack that a little bit? And how you are still saying God gave you your dream? When your dream was not this? I think it looks different. I was just asked, I was telling you this earlier, I was asked two weeks ago what I'm passionate about. And I almost cried because I didn't have an answer. And I've been so busy in the day to day work life and this and whatever in the nine to five and lost sight of what I'm actually passionate about. Because of those dreams and those passions. They coincide with each other. I think dreams are different than passions. But they work together in that way. So for me, I'm asking myself and saying, what does this look like now? Is this something that I just start with? By picking up my guitar again? Does this look like me trying to teach somebody else how to do something does this look with me? Look like me facing it. Once again, there is a girl that I used to follow on YouTube. And a lot of YouTubers have kind of done the same thing where they either kept going on YouTube, and they reached the YouTube top as you want to call it, or they stopped. And so every once awhile, a video will pop up and say why I left YouTube. And I've been thinking about making this video for 10 years without knowing how to explain the story. And this one girl did this. And she made a song talking about her YouTube and it was called closure. And there's a line in the song and it says, Should I go back to the past and relive it or just say a prayer and forget it. And I've been living in this teetering aspect of this for so many years? Do I go back and relive it when it looks totally different? Or do I just say a prayer and move on? Is it reliving it if it's totally different? Exactly what I've been questioning myself recently, will you make a comeback? I don't even want to call it a comeback. I think well, you returned to YouTube. I know. The problem is I for so many years. I mean for the last 10 years of me not being on YouTube. And every time I would come back, I would say I'm back. But I don't think I ever got the closure. I felt like I needed and then I didn't get the gives the closure that I felt like people needed because they were also wrapped up and immersed in that contest with me. So them telling me, You're not allowed to talk about this. I didn't know how to be on there anymore. Because it was everything that was being talked about. So now I'm thinking okay, well, it's been 10 years, I can make a video and I can say why I stopped uploading on YouTube. And this is what was going on. And I'm going to talk about it and then go from there about what the rest of it looks like. Yeah, I definitely do. I think about it all the time. But my husband is so an interesting why he so when we first started dating, he did not want to watch any of my videos. Which is really funny to me. Because for me who I grew up living in this closeted thing of nobody knows I'm a singer. And then all of a sudden everybody knew I was a singer. So then I let my voice define who I was. I was my voice first and kind of used to manipulate that in ways that I definitely did not understand what I was doing at the point. And it was like me trying to get people to like me for my voice or whatever that was. So it. Typically when guys find out a girl can sing. It's this automatic attraction. So I was used to guys doing that. And guys would tell me that I was in communication with, oh, I just watched all your YouTube videos, I just, I just took an hour drive and watched all your YouTube videos, which is so weird thinking about it now. But it was this flattering thing that I was like using to dampen I don't know, just my hurt or something and get more validation and get validated just like well, at least somebody thinks, you know, right, right. And then I had my husband who came into the picture and was so uninterested in all of it. And it was like, that's weird. Why would I ever want to watch you? You're right here. Why would I ever want to watch you on YouTube? You're sitting in front of me. So Wow, isn't that a cool perspective? I knew it had to be something more than he's just not interested. He's just like, You're right here. Right. And it's not that he's not supportive about it. But he also just doesn't understand it. Because for me, it was everything to me. Yeah. And you didn't meet him too far after it was over far after? Yeah. As far after, is that a thing? Did we just make it long after after? Our way? Okay, good. Glad we're both on Disney track. Now. Of course, you're going to pursue singing again. But it's not gonna look the same. Sounds like is what you're saying. But the dream is, I just want to say, yeah, and therefore, nothing can stop that stuff for you. Yeah, except for me. And I definitely let myself get in the way. Yeah. Let's, let's go there. There's people who have obviously been burned been hurt before, and they don't want to go after anything. Right. It seems like you're sitting in that right now. Are you afraid of more pain? Absolutely. But it's a different kind of pain. And that's why I've been thinking about I'm not really sure what I'm afraid of. I don't know if it's that I'm afraid of being a husband, like people don't care. But then at the same time, I didn't originally start posting videos on YouTube to get views or to get comments, right? It just happened that way. Yes. And at that point, I needed it. Because I would have never gotten the validation to upload a video for the contest in the first place. But so now I'm thinking, Why am I so focused on what potentially people are going to say, when a majority of it is probably going to be I'm so happy you're back, because that's what type of comment I would get anytime I would post. But then I start comparing numbers with but Oh, my goodness, I used to get this many comments, or I used to get this a lot. And then it starts to become more about the analytics than it did. Just, hey, I used to really like this. I loved the community that I had on YouTube. I loved talking to people, I made friends on YouTube from around the country, and why can't I just look at that aspect of it and say what brought it together instead of all these aspects that I'm trying to tear it apart and pick it apart at the seams? Now you know that you're you're facing that? So it seems like it's just in your in tort, inner turmoil. That's the word. But especially because you came up this high, where everyone has two innate desires is to be fully known and fully loved. You were seeing them both skyrocket all the sudden, right, so I can see how that would be very hard to navigate. So how are you navigating? Like, like, what is keeping you grounded, focused on I'm doing this because I love it. And setting the people pleasing and the entertainer aspect, which is so hard to do in this day and age, right, uh, sucked. You know, I think my perspective of Fame in general looks so different now. Okay, because, I mean, you can talk about Spotify and independent artists and all this stuff. There's so many ways as a musician to make to make it by without being Beyonce. But at the same time, I don't want that anymore. And what what is that that level of fame? Okay, when I was 17, that was the only way you to make it as a successful singer. You had to be a name. And now I just look at it. And I think you know what, I could make music. And I don't have to do that and to be those big names, and be true to myself still. And I could love it. And it not get manipulated by what I think or what culture tells you or how whoever says it's supposed to look like Yeah, that's great. And definitely hard to do. Because you're absolutely going against the grain. You're zigging when they're zagging, right. But I mean, I think I think your heart is so pure in this. And that's what's so cool is like, I have seen, I've seen your life transform over the past decade. And you went from being like, yeah, because this, this was your label your labels, I'm singer, I won this contest. And it's very easy for us to like, let's take our jobs, if you have a good job. That's the second question. Someone asks, Hey, what's your name? What do you do? Right? Well, you're proud to say like, oh, I'm a stunt woman. I was like, I want people to know that, because that's actually badass, you know, right. But, but it's not healthy either, right? Because you're not defined by that. And you've learned that it's so beautifully, like how you've transitioned out of that, I think, I mean, it's just so clear that God has become so important to you. And as a result, he's, he's made it known that he still has a huge plan for your life. And it doesn't take a contest for it to be revealed. But he used the contest to put you right back on track. I was just going to say, I think it had to happen the way that it did. For me, to look on it the way that I feel about it now, I mean, for me now, thinking about the idea of fame, and that's not attractive to me anymore. I thought I was gonna marry a Jonas Brother. I thought I was like, I mean, which one? It changed, like, just depending on the day, and then Kevin got married. So it was always just between, you know, right. I really thought that that's what my life was going to look like. And I didn't see it being any other way. Because this contest this track this promise, right here, and this is how it was going to happen. Yeah, but now when I think about it, I It's so terrifying to me, honestly, it's so terrifying and famous, terrifying. I think it kind of is. I think I've just seen so many people lose themselves in it. I mean, that was in your message to me. 10 years ago, you messaged me and said, Don't lose yourself. Don't lose yourself in LA. And that's what people say. But I've just seen so many people, I mean, even talking about youtubers that moved out to LA, and then they're posting videos on getting sober because they moved out there. And then they got mixed up with all the drugs and all the stuff that happens typically, whenever you move out there, and it was hard to be in that world and not be immersed in everything that that world contains. Yeah. Wow. So you're just like from a health standpoint? spiritually, emotionally, physically, mentally? Yeah, I can't imagine that many people watching me all the time. I mean, yeah, my goodness. Imagine going you can't go to Target. Yeah. Everything about your everyday life. How do you function as a normal person? You're not a normal person? Yeah. Yeah, what the opportunity cost that people don't see until they're in it, and it's too late. Yeah, I think that's profound insight. And I know that you love meeting people where they're at. So do you have any final words that you would love to just impart onto someone to encourage them? Anything related to dreams? Yeah, I probably just say, don't give up on yourself. Because I know the quote, you're in charge of your own destiny, I believe God is, but you still are the one that takes the steps every day. Come on, he's not pushing. He's not picking up our feet. And moving us as we walk along, we have to take those steps. So for me, when I look back, and I think I wish I didn't set down my guitar, I wish I didn't let my guitar get dusty. And my vocals, essentially put them on a shelf. But now I'm still at this point where I think okay, but I'm still in charge of this. What can I do from here? So, if it is in your heart, it was put there for a reason, but we still have to make the effort to actually do it. That's so good. I've been calling this T Rex syndrome that a lot of us have, where it's like reach for the stars, and we pretend that our arms with the size of a dinosaur and we can't reach it all completely forgetting the fact that we have legs, which means we have to move that way to actually be able to reach it and that's exactly what you're saying. So I just wanted to give people a visual Don't be a T Rex anymore. I'll never forget that. There you go. Yeah, no, we're just like doing. If you're happy to know clap here. They can't clap. That's the thing. It's a kick. Yeah, because apparently they have no range of motion. People are like you are losing steam over here. Amen. Think that's a brilliant way to end it. I'm excited for the return of Amy. With a different last name. Oh, you're gonna have to change your YouTube channel. Wow, big things coming. Where can people find you? So I'm on YouTube. It's actually you can type in youtube.com/amy Mazzeo. Now, you could just change the URL, so I did that, but it still spell your last name? My former name, maiden name? Oh my lord. It's so crazy to me, because I identified with that as well as identified with my voice and Colella. And, but at the same time, I always thought this is an obnoxious name for a singer. You're gonna have to spell this for people ridiculous. Yeah. So I'm happy to be mad. You know. So Amy magico is a NY ma GG IO. Okay. Ami cola. Ce O L A L E L L I don't think about that name anymore. So cola like Coca Cola? Yes. l e l la. Yes. saying La la la. And then yeah, I'm on Instagram. And is it is Amy Nigeria, in Nigeria? Well, Amy, you're incredible. Your heart's incredible. And what God has brought you through and where you are today is also incredible. And I love having you in my life. I love that you're using the talent to glorify God. That's all I got for you guys. Follow along. We out. As I said at the beginning, I just love the rawness and vulnerability and so happy to be able to have learned a little bit more about me and heard things I'd never heard from her before. And, you know, what I truly love and believe is that people would rather learn with someone than learn from someone. And I sure hope that you were able to learn with Amy and I, today, let's hit some of the takeaways. Number one, don't let perfectionist fear stand in your way. Number two, don't give up on yourself. And like I had said, T Rex syndrome has got to go put it away and put it into T Rex syndrome. Today, you can take one step, and we believe in you. Number three, and this one was huge. In fact, I'll probably do an entire bonus episode dedicated to this topic. Let yourself feel the pain. And let yourself grieve the dream. If it is, in fact, the end of a dream, feeling the pain is well, yes, painful. But I think honestly, it's a lot better feeling the pain and grieving it and being able to move forward than trying to keep digging it up. And looking for something that's not actually there, or the opportunity isn't presenting itself anymore. And number four, speak life into people. If you see the potential in somebody, and that they're really talented at something, tell them please tell them. I mean, Amy shared at the beginning, that was because one person told her Hey, you're really good singer. And I think you should enter this contest that she ended up doing it. Who knows what would have happened if that person didn't show her the opportunity that she could pursue because of what they knew she already was doing right? And how talented she already was. So I have two things to say about this. Because one, we should be the first people to encourage others and be able to pull potential in spot talent and in spot abilities in others. But on the other hand, if you don't receive that from somebody, it doesn't mean that you can't move forward. In fact, right when we got off the air, I kind of challenged Amy a little bit on the people pleasing tendencies that so many of us face, right? Because it's so hard, especially in today's climate, when we get to choose what's curated and what's posted. And other people get to choose whether they're offended by it, or how they receive it and react to it. So it's hard. I get it. But what I want you to feel freedom in is that you do not need someone else's permission to go after it. Okay, so if somebody doesn't encourage you don't let that be your determine. And don't let that be the gauge of Oh, well. Nobody said I'm good at it. So I shouldn't do it. What if people don't know? Right? We gotta give people the benefit of the doubt. And in the same breath, if we want to be encouraged, what if we decide to embody that person first? And what if we just move forward? And we're like, you know what, I'm gonna encourage her. That's what I'm going to do. I got so much to say I think I'm getting sidetracked. But basically, I love you guys and I believe in your potential and I'm going to be back with you in two weeks on a conversation about how to find community and build it, as well. I'm bringing in one of my favorite people for this discussion. But hey, we need to talk about takeaways you got from today's episode, I have all the links below so that you can follow me on any and every platform to watch her musical journey return. And if you felt inspired by today's episode, and you're like, you know what, this inspired me to actually take action and get moving on a dream that I have then you will love this episode, right here. So I'll see you in the next video.