This is the accidentally intentional podcast. I'm your host Joe. I hate small talk and I'm ready to have meaningful conversations that build us. Let's go whoo. Okay, you guys already know what the title of the episode is. So let me tell you about the most fantastic guests. I get to have today's conversation with born and raised in South Georgia and now living in Austin, Texas. Candice Collins is a mom and also a self proclaimed foodie when she isn't in the kitchen trying out a new recipe with her daughter who is amazingly adorable. By the way, she's spending time writing public speaking, and jamming to any 80s playlist she can get her hands on, you will often find her speaking candidly about mental health, finances and the ups and downs of motherhood because she has a special heart specifically serving single moms. She is all about vulnerability and authenticity. So I legit could not wait to share this conversation with you. I explain why I chose Candace to be the guest near the beginning of this episode. So hey, without further ado, let's hit it. Here's my conversation on how to support the friends you're competing against with my friend, Candice Collins. All right, what's up, guys? Welcome back to the accidentally intentional podcast and today I have my new friend Candace Collins in the house. Yes. Can I just say Candice, Candice Collins. It just rolls like that. That name is supposed to be something you're supposed to be an author. You're supposed to be a speaker, all the things. Thanks. Well, they worked well, for my basketball days, you know, coming down the court is Canada's Collins. I mean, at least I like to think that it did. So yeah. I love it. Where you were your point guard would you play? I was. So in high school, I was like center post. And in college, I had to roll up to like a forward kind of like, because my height in college is what like point guards are where my height in high school was like the taller ones in the crowd. So it was a major shift. So I got to be all over the place. All right, I'm the girl on the inside that says uncover my pain, and typically just knock point guards down. That was really my game. I love. That's perfect. That's perfect. So Candace, the reason that you're on here today is because well, to give context to the audience, we met recently, at an event, we both flew down for it, and we were audition or really competing against one another for something. And what was interesting about it is that everyone in the room immediately was hitting it off. And it was to the surprise of everybody there. But I wanted to bring you in on this topic today. Because with this cutthroat, like hustle grind culture that is out there, people can easily see friends and people who have the same vision and mission for the life as competitors and, and lose that ability to champion and cheer on the other person. So I thought it was a really cool experience that both of us had, because I don't know that I've ever encountered that so quickly in my life. So I wanted to talk about that with you and just dissect, how can we be better friends better? encouragers? Even if people that we love are competing for the same thing we are? Yeah, I think that's a very valuable and rich conversation. I think you hit something really important too, that I hope the audience hears is that really is our culture. It's like this weird facade of, especially with social media, right? Like there's this facade of like, we can be friends. We're cordial. Hey, girl, you know, but then it's like, behind closed doors, what's really happening in the heart is a very different experience in conversation. So I'm excited to have this conversation with you. Yeah, so basically went over we had spoken briefly about this beforehand, we both said like we have struggled with jealousy in the past. And it's it's not something I don't know that you can ever get over except as much as recognize and pivot as a result. And so So let's, let's start there. Let's start with where did how did we get to where we each are today? Yeah, so you know, what's interesting is, I think, for me when I think about just my journey, right, which is something that we're all on and I feel like it's a constant evolving thing, right? And especially as a believer, I can feel like, oh, the end goal is there and I could be completely wrong. And I have been completely wrong multiple times. Right. But what's interesting is when I think about when I look at my life, I'm like, Man, there were so many times where, you know, even like in high school, I remember High School where it was like you were going up against your friend like I remember at one point like he was like me and my best friend going for student body president right. She want I lost and I was like, What the heck, you know, and even then it was like I couldn't even allow the space to be excited for her. Because she deserved it. She earned it because I was so caught up in what I did it get right. And I think it's like, it's those kinds of seeds over time that when you're especially when you're in it when you surround yourself with people who are chasing after goals, who are chasing after dreams, who are hard workers, when you're in that type of crowd, someone's always achieving something. And there's going to always be somebody that made you get to before you get the thing that you want. And I think for me, that was where I started to realize Holy crap, that's just sheer jealousy. That's just me being jealous that I didn't get what I want. Because I thought I deserved it. I thought I earned it. Right. And I was so wrapped up in myself, versus the journey of Gosh, we've heard it a million times, right? One close door means there's another door that's open. But that's such a hard concept to truly live when you want something so bad. And you feel like that's the thing, you know, and so yeah, I just that that seed of jealousy is deep in my heart. And it's it's ugly, you know, but I'm not afraid to talk about it. Because it is a real thing. And like you said, it's, it's a matter of figuring out how to pivot when you recognize that that's what's consuming you versus being able to authentically truly cheer on. People who were doing great things out there. Yeah. Have you had an experience in your life where it because I know you were just talking about student body president, but an experience where you were competing against a friend? They got it? You didn't? And you were not able to celebrate with them? I'm sure there were times do you have anything that comes to mind for you? I'm trying to think because I also feel like there's a ton and I've mentally blocked them at this point, probably right. Yeah, I think about my first like, what I would consider my real like Job, like, it was a retail job. And it was a blast. And I was kind of on this management track, right like this, this track to somehow manage my own store someday. And I was like, I think I'm doing a pretty good job at this, right. But even just like over time, like while eventually down the road, I got to get my own store, because that's like the ultimate goal. But over time, there were just people that you because you work alongside a lot of people and you they do a lot of leadership development. This is at the buckle, they do a lot of your staff development, there's something called Leadership Academy that you get to go to and you're just rubbing shoulders with like the best of the best in the company. And I remember when when when I got back there are people because they sent emails like to the whole company, right? And so it's like I'm seeing these emails starting to come through we congratulate so and so on becoming the new manager as stored, edited it, and I'm like, What the heck? Like, when's it going to be my time? You know, and so like, even that, like there was just these close knit people that I was grinding with working hard. We were kind of all on the same bucket together, if you will. Sure. Some were there longer than I had. And granted, honestly, I haven't been there that long. But I just again, this this privileged mindset that I had of like, I'm entitled to this because ba you know, and yeah, but yeah, it was just kind of like every time those emails came through. Yes, that was exactly it. I was like, what was me? When's it my turn? what do what do I need to do now to expedite my time versus being patient and where I was, and being excited for these other people who again, well deserves that honor of getting take over their own source. So that comes to mind as that was happening, like, all the time with a lot of great people that I just really admired and loved. But yeah, there was a there was a thing in my head that was happening in the back of that of like, I'm smiling, but I'm really, really bummed that it's not me, you know, so, yeah. So, so let's cook. What words let's get, let's keep going with that example. So yeah, today, if you were in the same scenario, what's different about your mind now? Whenever you would be in that situation? Yes. So what's different about my mind now is a of all recognizing that it simply is jealousy, like calling it for what it is, I think that's part of it is like anything that we deal with in our lives, right? Whatever, whatever that thing is, that typically gets in the way of the other great things like hey, cannabis, right now you're in this, this, this crossways, right? Like, it's jealousies. You can go this way, what was me or you go this way, which is be excited and be content that it's just not your time and that there's something else there for you. And so, for me, as I look back, if I were to change that mindset back then gosh, I mean, I got to move to Florida and open my own store like a brand new store, which is slow, again, not something that happens all the time. They don't like opening stores all the time, right? So even for that, like man, I actually ended up getting my own very special unique experience in that right but I was so wrapped up in all this other stuff that even then it was like, it became this not entitlement. That's not because I feel like I earned and I worked hard at it right. But it was still like a different type of celebration than what it could have been. If I don't just be like, man, just be patient with where you are. Because you know what, also what's changed in my mindset is, that just gives me more time to continue to work on the things that I need to be working on in the daily Right. Like, it's like people, I heard one lady telling me and it's stuck with me for forever, which is what you do in the waiting is going to be the best thing, right? So your integrity in the waiting your your patients in the waiting the the work that you put it in the waiting so that when God says it's time, you're ready, you're not questioning anything, because I think there's time I look back, there's times where had I gotten what I wanted, I wouldn't even read it, it would have been a complete train wreck, you know, and so just saying, Oh, you're jealous, okay, get over. It's not about you. Right? Because there's space for everyone to do all the things and then it's alright, what are you gonna do? What can you do now, while you continue to wait for whatever that thing that next thing is? And that's been so valuable? That's so good. And, you know, I think about the flip side of that, right is when you get something, and your friend suddenly can't support you. And there's really nothing that can deflate you as quickly as that. And so I'm wondering, I haven't had this experience recently. But if you had to have a conversation, what one would you have a conversation? If this was done with with a friend and they're suddenly like, happy for you? You know, that it's just like, oh, yeah, verse verses, what do you say? What, what do you expect? Because there's this whole thing of I can't control how people react, right? But at the same time of, if that person cares for you, how can you both care for each other's heart appropriately in right moment. And I think a big part of that is being seen, right? I think like deep down in all of us, we just want to be seen and in whatever we're feeling being validated. And I think to be if I'm in front of a friend who is having a hard time being excited for something that's happened for me for like, and I'm like, Man, I recognize that they're hurting that this was something they really wanted as well. Because sometimes I think for me, personally, I try to fill the space with words. And a lot of times words aren't necessarily the thing that is needed in the moment, right? It's just, hey, so and so I see you, I know that you really wanted this to or whatever it is, because if you're if you're close to that person, you're going to kind of know like, what's happening to some degree, right? And so just saying, I see you, I'm validating what you're feeling. And I if you feel comfortable being honest with me, like let's have the conversation, because I think at the end of the day, it's through those kind of hard conversations. And I think relationships, relationships really flourish. And I think relationships can exist with those kinds of hard conversations, because you clear the air at least. So hopefully you do, right? And then you can both move on and still cheer each other on in whatever capacity. That is. Yeah, no, I think that's so great. And I actually have thought of a couple examples. Now. I'm not in this space in my life, where I want to have children. But there are a lot of friends in my life that are in that space. So when you know, there's one pregnancy announcement that comes up, there's a lot of grief that other people would feel in that same sphere. And I've seen so many friends set such a beautiful precedent with this, where grief and celebration can coexist in the same way knowing that. I mean, as believers we cling to promises, such as God will give you the desires of your heart, right. Yeah. And but at the same time, there's nothing that can feel further away from the truth than when you watch somebody else do that. But it was just such a such an eye opening experience for me to really see that as what faith is. And and that is knowing that God is sovereign. And regardless of the timeframe, what is happening right now is we're celebrating him answering someone else's prayer. Yeah, and that's the thing, right? It's like, it's this interesting journey of if I'm gonna, if I'm gonna community people who are called My people, right, like, I think about like, my tribe, for instance. And yeah, I mean, and I can even have some of that same sentiment sometimes, like when I see like another friggin engagement on my soul timeline. Yes. Seriously, but it's like, when I do live with people, and I genuinely pray for them, pray with them, right. So if there's someone in my life that's genuinely praying for something, right, and that something happens, but there's that little seed in my heart of like, Oh, am I about what I'm about right now? Like I get the choose right now. Am I gonna be a bad out who I am as a sister in Christ as a friend, as a fellow believer and follow through with my faithfulness to pray, support encouraged along the way to that moment of oh, crap, it's not about it's still not about me right now. And I think a lot of times, that's where that's what's happening. I think that's like, kind of as I've taken time to dissect some of this stuff, even from when we talked a little bit about it earlier, like, it really comes down to just me being selfish and insecure. And in all those things start to like, root up, right. And that's where I start to see me instead of first of all Christ, but then I also start to see more of me and not the people that God's brought into my life that I get to do life with. And that's where I feel like I know, I know, I have missed out on so many significant moments, celebrations. times with people that I truly love and care about, because I was so wrapped up in what I didn't get in the moment. And I, I won't say regret, right? But I look back and I'm like, dang, life is too short to be so wrapped up in that stuff to really miss out on this, this bigger picture of what God is doing in the lives of those around me, not just what he's not doing. Right? Yeah, in my life, because I can think he's not doing something when in reality, he actually is doing something. So know that. I mean, that's profound right there. Because isn't it interesting that this this specific instance, when something happens, we can sometimes camouflage what's actually going on and missed the whole self awareness part of what we're feeling by thinking like this is this, this this and thinking it's the other person's fault, when really, the whole thing is how you're receiving? What's happening. So I love that yours, you have that self reflection in which you've just come to that conclusion and be like, No, I need to call it for what it is. This is ugly, this is jealousy got to go and be here with people. So man, that was so good. And girl I've had I'm telling you what, in the last year I've had so much. It's so funny. Like, I've had so much practice in this in a year where I wasn't even around people that much right? Like it's like quarantined COVID. But yeah, you're forced to use your words a lot more when you're not physically with people. Yeah. But I there have been some hard conversations that I've had to have in the last year of me recognizing the seed of jealousy, me recognizing the selfishness happening, and how that's impacted and hurt people that I love and care about right, and how I've missed moments like I have had more than I would like to admit, work in that area in the last year. But I think that's part of the beauty of having this Congress. I'm just so glad that you were ready, you were willing to step into this conversation, because I think it's something that many of us probably really do deal with, we don't realize it and we just there could be a fear of stepping into some of these awkward hard conversations because it reveals the not so pretty pieces of ourselves, right? But at the same time, like you said, it's not that it could ever go away, but it's just acknowledging it, turning it over to the Lord. And then equipping yourself with the right tools on a regular basis right to combat those things in the moment, which Yeah, so So let's talk about some of those tools. Right? What what has what has been if you could narrow it down to some steps? I mean, we got to make a real actionable for the people. That's dance was appropriate. So thank you, because I'm usually the only one dancing in this thing. What would you say? would be some steps that people could take right now if they've number one, identify Oh, girl, this is me. I am this person and I need to flip it and reverse it. You flip it in person? Um, yeah, I think there's there's a few things I think first of all like to acknowledge it is huge, but I think it goes a little bit further than I think it's like, oh, that's me. Like you can feel that right now. Right? But then the real work comes when you actually start to like, I'm a writer, right? So I like to write things down. So I will write down Hey, recently this thing happens right? And here's how I experienced it in my world. Here's like how how you ask the question like ask yourself what looking back what what could I have done differently? Would I have done anything differently? Because even that's part of the journey right? And then I think gratitude I talked with I talk about this a lot but I think grant like daily gratitude. It sounds so like cliche again, we're in a culture of like gratitude journals and Daily Affirmation positive things right but it truly is something that can rewire your brain to see your world in a way of here's what I have and I can be content in this versus here's what I don't have because I lived many years in the here's what I don't have mindset and dear Lord, it wrecked me. Right. So I think gratitude because I think the more you do that, the more you get to see that it's not about you To end, as a believer, that's going to be one of the most ultimate things we can ever do, right? Because that leaves space for the Lord to come to do the work in our lives. So gratitude and knowledge and calling out writing it down. But also, honestly, this is this is for those out there who are who are feeling really bold, and really brave, let's go, if there are specific situations that have happened, and you're still harboring that feeling inside of you have the conversation, it's going to be awkward, it's going to be weird, you can even start out by saying, Hey, this is gonna be really hard. But I just need to have this conversation for the sake of our relationship, because I love you, I care about us. And whatever capacity that is, because when you start to flex that muscle of having that conversation, when times come where they do really need to happen, then they kind of start to flow, they're always hard and awkward, that will never go away. But that but the sense of stepping into it ripping the band aid off of someone always says to me, of having that just that muscle becomes so strong, that those can be really good building blocks of some solid relationships. And especially, again, if it's things that like to celebrate his boss, babe culture, and everyone's chasing dreams, and you know, things like, especially if these are people who can be your biggest cheerleaders, right? Because, like, I think about times where I let my jealousy get in the way of relationships, and it became like a lens that I saw people through. And then when I needed them, I didn't even allow them to be there for me because I was holding this weird grudge about something they didn't even do except for be them, you know, and so flexing those muscles and having those hard conversations, I think, in the ends, what's life without hard conversations, honestly? And how do you grow without them? Hello? Yeah. Bring it bring it. Yeah. And I think that's a very interesting point, because that's one of the most scary things to do is tell people. Hey, I know you didn't mean to, but like, you can't blame someone for hurting you. Right? You're choosing to feel hurt, okay. So you can say, I'm hurting. So I'm trying to celebrate and grieve alongside of you. I don't know how to do this, because they might not know how to do it either. Right? Right. At least you can learn together and hurt people hurt people like i Yes, I know that when I was hurting by something that no one did to me. I just, I just created this, this this world in my head of like, something great happened in your life. That upset me. So it's your fault, which is not true at all right? But, but even I saw that creep in, even in how I treated them how I interacted with them, you know, and that's that's that's the mess. I think that kind of can just lurk without us even realizing it's lurking and it didn't didn't when the time comes to really be connected in whatever way it needs to be. It's not authentic, because I've let things brew that just shouldn't have been brewing. Yeah, whole time. Yes. So totally, no, this is this is really good. I think the more layers is when, you know, when there's so many feelings involved. For instance, it can be one thing to get a job is another thing when you have a crush on somebody, and then they like your best friend. Hello. Okay. I'm not talking about personal experience or anything. I am. But you know, that that's behind us. Now I've we've healed, we've grieved, we've celebrated together. But man, I mean, that those are moments that you never forget. Because that really changes the trajectory of how you choose to receive things after that moment, because it's like, am I going to keep living my life thinking that nothing good is coming my way? And it's all me and I'm ugly, you know, like the whole spiral you're going through? Or can you be like, No, you know, what, if, if that's for somebody else, then I have to believe God, who as it says, Romans 828 is working everything, the good of those who love him. He's also working the good out for me, and he can do it for both people. At the same time, though, some may take a different trajectory in time length than others. And do you ever look back though, and just like, no, like, we look back at those times, right? Do you notice like, holy, holy moly. I'm actually glad it didn't work out the way that I want. There's 100% right with that every single time. Yeah. Oh, man. It's more of you know, they they become comedic relief in your life that you were like Remember storytelling? Yeah. But the goal to write the goal is to not get to the point where it becomes so much hindsight that right you have to get way down the road of like pain in the world that I waste all that time and energy on that. Because so much given happening in the meantime, right, but it's like if we can catch that stuff sooner than greatness is, I think, in store for all of us, right? And I mean, like, I'm gonna tell people right now both you and I are single we Yeah, we're out here. We're on the prowl, as someone would say. Yes, yeah. So you can send your applications to accidentally intentional podcast@gmail.com. Now, we're at this point in life where we haven't been say older, we're not 22 anymore. Okay. We're in the real world out of college. And we've seen so many friends, get engaged, get married, have babies, you know, buy houses. And I think you're in an apartment. Yes. Yes. Like even even bringing it to that level. That's, yeah, that's a that's a thing for some people just like, why would the same age why you? Yep. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. But there's so much freedom that I've found to just be able to celebrate people and trust that God is big enough to, to make sure that I'm, I'm gonna get the desires of my heart to Yeah, and to remember, right like to trust that. God says what He means, like his promises are true. And even sometimes we can get so caught up and not even believing that we think we do but we, when we live it out, we're not truly living out that what God is saying to be true truly is true. That's a lot of truths in there. But because it is how often how often, and I'm sure you can attest to this, that things didn't go your way, in whatever capacity. But then hindsight, you're like, Whoa, there was protection there. There was true love there. Because there are so many things that have happened in my life. I'm like, Are you kidding me? God? Like what? Throw a gorilla bone every now and then, you know? But yes, in reality, it's like, I have to believe that he knows best. I have my small narrow view of my world. Sure, in my day to day what I think is best for me, right, which again, always lends me trouble. And so but he's got this way bigger view, he's got a perfect plan that he is working out, right. And he does that for our the good of our purpose. And so if I can't believe that in my day to day, that I'm going to constantly be in this vicious cycle of the jealousy, the insecurity, the not being able to celebrate my people, you know, because, again, it becomes about me and not about him. And I have to believe that what he says he's gonna follow through with it. Yes. And to add on to that. So to give people even more context, we really, we really digging deep into this. So Candace, and I are auditioning for this thing. And basically where it stands right now. I'm not moving forward. Candice still is moving forward. And that was one of those things where I cried the tears, okay, I cried all the tears. We had a big six hour we, me, myself, and I, we, we just let it all out. And you know, my mom called me two days later, and it's funny how mom heard it before, you know, and it's just like, you have this lens. But mom said, you know, God just told me something about you. And I said, Oh, Lord, what is? And she said, that God said, so clearly. I got her there. And I was like, Well, that was pointless, wasn't it? To get me there? You know? And, and but once I stepped back and said, the God who got me there can also get me here, and probably a direction I'm not even able to see yet. Right. And I think that was that was so profound, because it really takes the pressure off. Doing things on my own strength. That's so good. Yeah. And, and I think that was a real a real blessing. And, you know, I wish I had heard it first and haven't been able to have that perspective. But I love that God also uses the people around us to see them blind spots, right? And say, hey, they're not listening right now. I need you to send the message for me, which is so valuable. So you know, and what's Yeah, I also just think, you know, when things don't go the way that it's about to storm here so if you hear thunder Oh, there it is real life guys. thematic. Yeah, it's the Yeah, it's God saying we're talking about I'm just kidding. But but you know it nothing nothing is by accident right and that there's there's purpose in everything and I just think because I'm not gonna I'm not going to discredit what you're feeling right because like what I know of you like girl you got big things ahead and that was like what 24 hours with you if that hotel lobby hanging out having a good time it felt like for years it really it but it did. But it's like even the fact that we're connected to have this kind of conversation right and you're you're continuing to get to just go after the things that you're gifted in and that you're excited about. It's like it's easy. While I say this because it's easy for people on the other side to say all those words, and I can say those words, sometimes they can be hurtful and not helpful, right? I hope at some point, right? These friends get to hear like speaking of affirmation and truth into people's lives of like, I still see a solid, great, talented, God fearing loving person in front of me, right. And so that's where I think this like you said can like how your mom God, use your mom. Like there's just that value in, in community. And we have to keep pushing and challenging each other. Because I think too for me, and I don't know, if you're like this, if this is how I'm wired, and things is I am so good at pity parties, like, oh, I take forever to let things go to the point where to I don't function like almost like, okay, you know, it's almost like, it's so easy to have a cell like to have a win and something you celebrate it and you're like, Alright, on to the next right. But when it's the opposite, it's like woe is me, like, I will lay in bed for days, I will complain, I will like replay what I could have should have would have done, you know, and in reality, even then it's like, Man life is passing me by and if that wasn't it, what is it? How can I just pray up and keep going forward? You know, and so, I don't know, I just, I'm just thankful that you again, were brave and bold enough to have this conversation with me. And then just to put it out there, right? Like, because I think we've all been in this exact situation. And there are things that are happening in my life right now that are very similar. And it's kind of like, Okay, what did you do? How are you gonna do this? You know, right, right. I get here why sometimes? Yeah. So you want to talk about like pity parties, I can get you completely. In fact, this is hilarious. In college. There. I had a terrible GPA at midterms my freshman year, I didn't realize that it's a Yupik two situation. I thought I could have a social life, and really love extracurriculars, and that I just automatically get. Yeah, no, not the case. So I had like a terrible GPA where my parents would need to sign off. Like, if I don't get it up. I'm getting kicked out of the college. So that was fun. I got it up praise report by the end. That's how it ended. But it was so funny, because I was like, Oh my God, my parents are gonna kill me. My life is over as I know it. And in the same week, there were four major winds I had in other areas, like one was a literal win of like a competition. And it took I took a counselor sitting down, listen to me talk for 15 minutes about the one thing and then breeze by in the middle of how. And she said, I just wanna let you know that I counted this many things good happening to you. And you are focusing on this and wondering why you are anxious. Hmm. And you would have thought you would have thought this girl just took the whole life story here. You're healed. Here it is. Are you serious right now? That's all it needed. I totally get that. And I love how it all happens because of conversation. Because if you keep it up there baby is going nowhere. So yeah, yes, yes, that's it we get in our heads and the longer it stays in our heads, the more away from truth it becomes I feel like the the crazier the narrative gets. Yep, we keep it in theory. Yes. We're gonna go back to the conversation piece of how to have a conversation with somebody about hey, I want to celebrate you at the same time. This is happening because because there's a lot of ways you can go about this wrong, both of which I'm sure we have tons of experience doing on the way to finding an appropriate way. So what are some Like tips you would give, when you're practicing gratitude. There could be days where you don't want to. Or you have a hard time finding something, but the practice of it like, it's almost like, here's my brains been all over the place right now. It's almost like when you don't want to exercise, but then you do the workout. And then after you're so glad you did it, right. And so there's a piece of that, I think that's just flexing the muscle of just saying, Hey, I, I truly, genuinely am excited for you. Congrats. And even just saying that and saying it authentically and truthfully, I think can do a lot of things. But I think it's also okay. It's almost like how you said earlier, and grief and celebration, like you can hold both of those things. And then just to be honest, hey, by the way, also, can I just be really honest with you, I love you, and I care about you. And I know that I can say this, while I am very excited. I'm just personally having a hard time processing my personal place in this my response and this, like, whatever that thing is that you're feeling I'm having a hard time because it wasn't me. I'm having a hard time because I thought it could have been me, I'm having a hard time because I work just as hard. Right? Like, explore that. Sure. They may only hear that, because I think our brains are wired to like, you know, when you get five compliments from your boss, and then they tell you like the one thing you did wrong, and you're gonna wallow over that one that just like you just said, that could be real happened, right? But you said something so early in the conversation, I think is very key, which is we can never control what someone else's response reaction is all we can control is our words, our response. And our reaction. I think part of that is if it means that I have to speak my truth and just say I'm excited, I'm also just very bummed out. Like, that clears my heart and my conscious because I know I need to do that in order for me to continue to see that person as someone that I love. And I care about deeply. And so while I say that I'm not going to expect anything from them. So having no expectations on their response, because they get the response however they want. Yeah, right. But you just speaking the truth. But I think it's okay to say like, and part of that thing, too, is just starting with prayer. Like, as a believer, I think we have the privilege of being able to pray and pray and say, Hey, God, like, change my heart work on my heart helped me to see them the way that you see them as a fellow image bearer. And that sounds again, so trite, but like, it's so true, it really does change how we interact with people when we approach it with prayer, especially when it's, you know, these kinds of conversations. And so those are a few few hot tips that I have is Say it Say you're excited and proud of them. Because I think we always are, acknowledge the hurt and the pain that you're dealing with. Because that's real, and we're allowed to have those, we just can't let those then drive our actions and interactions. But it's okay to say that those are two verbal things to do. On the other side of that the internal thing is don't have expectations on how they should or shouldn't respond, because you're not in control of that. And then the other thing is the prayer piece. That's so good. I mean, probably have some too, though, talk about a PDF Printable list we got right here, people just go look it up. Hang on my list. Conversation, okay? No, the whole the whole, no expectations. How about even if that isn't making sense for you tangibly, no agenda, like, you're not just gonna delete your engagement posts, because I feel it and don't expect them to change anything about what they're doing. Just say, Hey, I just want to, I just want to be honest with you, because I know that you care about me, and I care about you. So honesty is where I want to land the plane, because they don't need to change anything about what they're doing to make you feel a certain way. Because how you feel is a choice. And I found you and I think it's okay, down the road. When you get to that point of you've worked through that gunk in your hearts to then like, go back and like, because there's been times where I've had to just then intentionally make sure along the way, like, we'll use engagement because that's happened in my life a million times. Intentionally having conversate like checking you like how's the wedding planning going, you know, how can I help? How can I pray because even then I think you can let that that jealousy that hurts even gatekeeper you to the point where you don't do anything. You kind of like, pull away you retreat, right, but then you get to actually lean in. And I think that's where God continues to do the work on the heart because I've had to make some very intentional moves in that because I do care about these people. But it's almost like when you serve, right, like serving makes it about others and not about you and the way your heart changes just when you start to serve other people. Like I think that also happens in these kinds of circumstances as well. So correct me if I'm wrong, but because when you when you said be excited for them, my first thought was, well, what if I'm actually not? And yeah, who I lie, and just trust that my brain is going to catch up to the, you know? Yeah. And but I think I think that it, I think that answers it is, yeah, just tell them you're excited. Even if you're not. And because once you start speaking it, I mean, it's the same with gratitude, right? It starts to change your mindset about it. And then, especially when you get more involved in a process, such as, like, how can I help you with x? Not help you with your ex just helped me with? Fill in the blank. Okay. Yeah, it can, it can, it can help you and you that's, that's good. And that's a that's a challenging thing, too. And, and I'm gonna rise to that challenge. Yeah, cuz I don't think it's like, I mean, I think can be easily viewed online, like if you're if you really aren't genuinely excited. But I also think like, again, there's these layers to that whole process. There's layers where I firmly believe if it's somebody that you truly care about, that you call a friend that you've done life with, that there is somewhere deep in their excitement, because you've seen someone, go after pray for Chase, that thing, whatever that thing is, right. But it can get so clouded by self, that even then I think that's where like, it may not feel like you truly aren't excited, but I firmly believe because this is only me speaking from personal experience. It's always been there, it's just always got shaded by me, my jealousy, my insecurity, all of those things. And so it's like this, like, our pastor one time did this little circle that had an arrow and like, the top part of it was love. The bottom part was actions, right. And like, sometimes when you don't, quote unquote, feel like you look like you're, you're not feeling like you love somebody, but the actions drive you to love them again. And sometimes you have to start with actions to get to love, but sometimes the love isn't what drives you to action. And so they kind of like, are interchangeable, but one drives the other. And sometimes it starts with this one, to get the other one that sometimes starts with the other one to get to this one. So it's like yeah, I think it's some of that same practice of like, my words me seeing you me being honest in that conversation and saying it I think, still get to the root of now I am sorry for this person. But now I got to do the work and myself to get over myself. And because who child at some not fun work to do. I don't know, had my fair share of it. And yet, it's always worth it at a time, but it's worth it. Yeah, yeah, sure. Yeah. So I want to I want to close past offering buckets, we're coming to a close. No, and your phone numbers in social dating profiles. Yes, correct. All single men who are older than how old? I'm okay. I'm 37. I'll put it out there. Because apparently 40s or white where it's at, you know, so I'm looking forward to Yes, my body's already filling yet. And my grades are starting to pop out. So I'm embracing it. You look good to me. You don't look a day over 33 which is, which is, which was Jesus age, you know, hey, so you are in the holy looking? Girl? No, but I want to finish with asking this question where I'm actually identifying a lot of people's fears hearing this great. Sounds good in practice? What if I tell people, Hey, I'm excited for you? Not with a but not but. And I'm also feeling this way. What if they don't want to be my friend? And they're like, Well, how can you literally not support me that is so selfish by friendship over? What would what would you say for someone who's afraid of that scenario happening? That's a good question, girl. A few things come to mind. I think one of them is when you look at the friendship of Okay, first of all, I think there's always an opportunity for reconciliation. So that could happen in the moments. But that doesn't mean give up on it. Right? Because they could be hurting because I mean, sure, like someone could literally be hurting if they just had the greatest thing in the world happened to them. And you just said cool, but I'm not excited, right? Like them, because again, we can't control their reactions. But I just feel like when I think about the nature of my closest friendships and relationships, while those words could easily happen, I don't think that's a reason for the friendship to be over. It just may be something where time heals and conversations heal, right. And we regroup and readdress the conversation. That's one thing I think like, that could happen in the moment, but that doesn't necessarily mean it's all a done deal. We're done. That's it, right? Because that is terrifying to think about. I think the other thing I would ask is While there could be fear in telling the truth, would you rather have a friendship where there's this underlying sense of like, I don't know, like it's attention, that attention an underlying intention, would you rather continue to go through life in that friendship with that luring because, again, been there done that, and it is not worth it? Because then every little thing they do, feeds that little tension monster, and it just gets bigger and bigger to the point where is it even worth being? Is it even worth the relationship anymore? I mean, that sounds so like, whoa, like, but would you rather let fear lead you to that type of relationship? Or be honest, tell the truth, and pray and trust that on the other side is a stronger friendship and relationship? No, that's incredible. I mean, that's an incredible way to end it, because it's all about that perspective of what is if there was a price on friendship, what cost? What, what, what costs would you put on it? Right? And how far would you go? To protect the longevity of it? Yeah. And we, I just, I just think we, in anything, I just, I've learned, man, if we don't live our lives authentically, and truthfully, and honestly, I mean, there's a reason why, like, you know, the Brene Browns of the world are a big deal right now, like, because there's just the vulnerability and like, all those things are so key in self work, but also in relational work. And I just think, yeah, if, if we can't do that, we're really missing out on right. Well, what I feel like God truly wants us to do when it comes to living in community with one another. Yeah, for sure. And I'm going to take it just a step further. Because if you do that, and and how you even having that conversation shocks the other person, like they weren't prepared, never experienced it before. That's okay. That's okay. Because you're both learning together. And, and there's freedom in that, too, right? Because now you get to learn alongside someone who you really care about. And I was having lunch with somebody a couple of weeks ago, and I was saying something about kind of like, what friendships mean to me, and she listens to it. And she's someone that I love and trust. So whatever she says it, I was like, Oh, dang. So she said, You are such an intense friend. And, and it was like a jarring word to use. But I was like, You know what, you're right. Like, I've worked on this for so long that and I and I care so intensely, that I can't not be intense and passionate from every angle, which I come into, which totally, totally fine for me, too. So it's worth fighting for. I mean, I've got I've got, there's two that I think of right now that literally in the last year 90% of my conversations have been hard conversations, whether usually, because Candice has done something screwed up, you know, or have gotten in my own head and been hurtful and my actions or something. I'll put it out there for you guys. But yeah, but man, and there was a time where and one of them we talked and she said, You know, honestly, because I was like, Oh, I'm so sorry that I feel like it's just always this, like, it's always something, you know, and she's like, honestly, I just feel like we're that much closer because of these conversations. And again, it gives us both a window into each other's lives. Because it's like, I know, I'm in therapy. I'm really open about that. Like I'm doing the work like the personal work, right? Like years and years and years. I'm doing the work finally. And so I think, again, if you're surrounded by people who like for me, everyone in my life knows that I've been therapy they know why I'm in therapy I talk about it openly. So I think part of like when I have to have those weird awkward hard conversations that can easily be terrifying and easier not to have they trust and know that it's just part of this process that I'm just in for myself to better myself my outlook on life how I interact with other people. And so when when love is that the core of that I think everybody's willing to fight for it, no matter how we respond, react. I think that that right there, if that's at the root of any friendship or relationship, then it'll always be worth fighting for. And yes, people like us that are passionate in our friendships, right? Like, it's just, it's worth it. So don't let fear prevent you from deeper, authentic connections. So good. That's it. That's it, Candace, I love you. I'm so glad you're in my life and I'm so glad we're new friends. And girl, I'm cheering you on every single step. And I'm I actually mean this when I say I am cheering you on every single step of the way, for this whole process. As you're going through, which I'm not telling people about yet, maybe down the road, I am cheering you on to like getting to be in your space today. So thanks for having me as a guest because you've got great things that you're doing and having these great, great conversations with people. So keep that at home girl. You know, I always will. Okay, let's hit some takeaways. Number one, just because something doesn't happen to you, at first like it is for others, doesn't mean that it will never happen. As a result. It gives you more time to prepare as Qantas so poignantly said, what you choose to do in the waiting could be the best thing you do with that time. Number two, here's some steps you can take when your heart is hurting, and you're kind of grieving, watching another friend, get something you so badly wanted yourself, one, acknowledge you're feeling it, don't try and suppress it, acknowledge it and say, yep, this happened to journal and write about the situation and replay what really happened when you got the news and how you reacted versus how you would like to react in the future. And then three, this whole concept of gratitudes and fixing your focus on what you do have next takeaway was have the conversation, whether it's a conversation about how you're feeling while you're grieving and trying to support someone else, it could get awkward, and that's okay. Here's some tips as to what you can do as you prepare to have that conversation, to try and support a friend, but also grieve at the same time, one, pray for wisdom to say you're excited and proud. Even if your heart needs to catch up to what you've just vocalized. Three, acknowledge the pain and hurt that you feel at the same time for don't have any expectations of what anyone else should do. This is a conversation without expectations, just you sharing how you feel. And then five, find ways after that conversation to actually follow up and show tangible support to your friend. And I love when Candice said When love is at the core of a friendship, everyone will be willing to fight for it. And lastly, I just want to clarify one thing I mentioned the verse about God giving us the desires of our heart and may not have used it in the most correct context. So I wanted to add on to that. Basically, what I believe a life filled with faith looks like isn't just waiting for God to give you everything you want, but rather praising him and clinging to his love and promises, even if he does it. Alright, well that's it for this one. I hope you guys loved it as much as I love you. Was there someone that came to mind as you were listening to this episode? Because if so, please share it with them. We're so passionate about this message, and we want to give value to the people that would benefit from it. We drop a new episode every other Thursday, so be sure to subscribe to get the latest conversations. Oh, and one more thing. If you enjoy this episode and this podcast, I would be so honored. If you would leave a review. It helps us to better connect with the intended audience of this podcast by doing so. And I truly am so grateful for any amount of time that you choose to spend with me because trust me I know how many options are out there and I do not take it for granted. Seriously, I just wow I just really appreciate you and take I may not know your name yet, but let's change that connect with me on Instagram at XO Asher, or on Twitter at combos with xo. But hey, even if I don't know your name yet, what I do know for certain is that you're amazing. I love you. You have something that the world needs and you are always more than enough. So hey, we'll see you next time on The accidentally intentional podcast.